


Why I Still Want You Here

by kaylabear978



Category: Homestuck
Genre: First Date, First Kiss, First Meetings, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Referenced drug use because Gamzee, Sadstuck, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Suicide trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-01
Updated: 2014-07-31
Packaged: 2017-12-03 22:59:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 36,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/703611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaylabear978/pseuds/kaylabear978
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After there's an accident and John gets killed, Dave has to make it through the grief. Which includes dealing with his depression, his yearning for John to still be alive, and facing the person who's responsible for what truly is an unfortunate accident.<br/>***<br/>Leaning back against the wall of his house, you sit and drift off into dreams of a buck-toothed, messy haired, blued eyed boy that made everything better when no one else could. Even though now he can’t.</p><p>------------------------------------</p><p>You just caught him looking at you again. He doesn’t know when you catch him unless you want him to know. He keeps looking over at you across the classroom. As the teacher rambles on about how to find the interior angles of a polygon, you’ve managed to draw a decent picture of him. Rose’s been bothering you for weeks for his name because you’ve mentioned him more than once.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Please Be Lying

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter is shorter than the rest, I promise the others will be longer.

You sit there on the futon. You’re waiting for Bro to get home, knowing when he does you’re going to get the third degree from him. You involuntarily stiffen when you hear the apartment door open; moments later seeing your older brother. He just got in from his shift of delivering pizza. It's ten p.m. Bro sits on the coffee table across from you, removing his shades shortly after. You see the seriousness written on his face, screaming at you from his eyes.

“Dave,” he never uses your name, “about an hour ago John ran into the street.” His tone is gentle and tentative. The way people speak when delivering shocking news. Realization hits you that this isn't about your failing a class, but now you wish it was.

“He ran into the street after Bec. He got hit by a car, Dave. John’s dead.” You see him swallow as you process what he just said. Your mind reels at the thought.

He’s just playing a sick game with you right? John can’t actually be dead. That’s impossible. He just couldn’t be. You’re both only teenagers. His seventeenth birthday is tomorrow!

“What?” Your voice is a lot shakier than you thought.

“John’s dead.” You look down at your lap. Denial taking over your thoughts.

“Bro, this game is sick.” Your bottom lip quivers slightly.

“It’s not a game. I’m being serious.” His voice stays even and calm. 

“You’re taking this too far!” Tears start to fill up your eyes and your vision is becoming blurred. 

“Dave, I understand it’s a lot to take in, but I’m not playing a game.” You can see the sincerity in his orange eyes.

You’re practically yelling now, “Bro, stop! It’s not funny! This is sick!” The flood gates burst and tears start trailing down your cheeks. You stand and Bro mimics the motion. He starts to move like he's going to reach out and touch your arm, but thinks twice and keeps his arms at his sides.

“You shouldn’t make this kind of shit up! This isn’t okay!” He sighs, spreading his arms and before you have a chance to run, they’re around your shoulders. He hold you tightly to him and begins to stroke your hair.

You shove him away. John’s death really sinking in. You do the only thing that makes sense and you run. He doesn’t come after you. Reality sinks in even more.

Out the apartment door, down the complex stairs, out onto the city-streets. You keep running down the streets you know by heart. This path you know by heart to John’s house. The chilling spring air is stinging your bare arms as you do. As the city begins to turn into suburbs you slow. Catching your breath and slowing to a saunter.

Finally, you come up onto to John’s street. You walk down it at your same slow pace remembering every other time you had walked down that street at night. Whether it was to help John sneak out of his house, or to return him home. You can picture your first kiss under the streetlamp. How his braces cut your lip and it bled. He was always so embarrassed by it, but you always found it sweet in a strange sort of way.

Instead of knocking on the front door, you go around to the balcony where you’d ironically serenaded him once. You got out the guitar and everything. He was really happy because he saw how much you really put your heart into it, even if you never really admitted it. You had spent the weeks up to that point learning the song from Jade. She’d helped you pick it.

Jade. Her dog is the life John sacrificed his for. It was a dog. Just a fucking dog. John was your boyfriend.

 _Was_.

The word knocks the breath out of you and chokes your heart. You sit down under the balcony. It’s still cold, but you don’t mind as much as you slip your eyes closed.

Leaning back against the wall of his house, you sit and drift off into dreams of a buck-toothed, messy haired, blued eyed boy that made everything better when no one else could. Even though now he can’t.

\------------------------------------

You just caught him looking at you again. He doesn’t know when you catch him unless you want him to know. He keeps looking over at you across the classroom. As the teacher rambles on about how to find the interior angles of a polygon, you’ve managed to draw a decent picture of him. Rose’s been bothering you for weeks for his name because you’ve mentioned him more than once.


	2. A Budding Friendship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised you all longer chapters :P

“So, his name is John?” With that you know the patented Rose Lalonde interrogation has begun.

“Yeah, John Egbert.” You can't believe the amused look on her face. Doesn't she realize that this is you practically pouring your soul out for her?

“I sit right next to him in science. We have a project we’re working on currently. I could put a good word in for you.” She jabs, reading you like her creepy wizard fan fiction, moments later Jade is sitting down with you two.

You don’t respond to Rose. She’s going to start playing her mind games with him now that she knows. You feel bad, but at the same time you know the magic she can work on people and how her playing her games may prove fruitful for your own situation. You hope it is. You really need to either get this boy out of your thoughts or just finally admit defeat and spend every waking minute with him so you at least have a reason for constantly thinking about him.

“So, is the sub in math nice Dave?” Jade asks you taking a bite out of her sandwich. 

“Yeah, she’s pretty pretty chill.” You look down at your food. School food has always been trashy but you've come to accept it by now. You pick up one of the chicken nuggets and begin eating though you wish it was better.

You all fall into a comfortable silence as you being eat however, that silence is promptly over as you finish up your small meals. Jade and Rose discuss their plans for a sleepover for that weekend, you make jabs at them since they do this almost every weekend. You personally though, don’t really have much to talk about today.

Well actually you could go on for hours about that cute boy, with clunky glasses and thick eye lashes and probably really soft hair, but you don't want to deal with Rose being snarky or Jade prying too much into the subject. That blue eyed boy has been clouding all of your thoughts. You’ve only seen him smile once or twice. He’s shy, which you find really endearing. He’s bashful. You want to be the one he doesn’t mind telling anything to. You want to sit in comfortable silence with him, and hold his hand, and wake up to those bright sapphires he has for eyes.

Stop Dave. Now's not the time for having the train of thought of a love-struck school girl. Speaking of girls maybe you should be listening to what they're up to, since you don't know how long you've been zoning out thinking about him.

“Yeah, we’re having my cousin over for dinner tonight. He hasn’t gotten a chance to see grandpa in a while and he really wants to.”

“Oh that’s alright. I don’t mind, but I could stay over Saturday into Sunday instead if you want to spend more time with him.”

“Nah, me and John talk a lot over Skype and he really wants to come see grandpa.” You look up at Jade. You think of John, then take in how she looks. No. Fucking. Way. 

“John Egbert?” Rose inquires seeing the question that was poised on your lips that she knew you weren't going to be able to get out.

“Yeah! You know him?” Jade perks up with an almost astonished expression. How can she think you haven't noticed John with how precious he is?

“I sit next to him in science, we’re partners for a project right now, and I think Dave has a class or two with him.” Rose has a small knowing smile on her lips that Jade seems to miss completely in her excited state.

“That’s awesome! We can probably all play a game or something together. Hey Dave?” She turns to face you and already has the puppy dog eyes turned on.

“Hm?” You make yourself sound as uninterested as you can, but you don't miss the look Rose passes you that tells you she can see just how painfully attentive you're being to the subject of John. 

“Do you wanna come? Obviously not to spend the night but I don’t want John to be the only boy, and there aren’t a lot of three person games.” Your heart skips a beat. You’re going to be formally introduced to him. You’re going to be playing games with him. You’re going to get to talk to him.

“Sure.” You stay aloof. Don’t want to look as nervous as you now feel. You have until tonight to figure out how you’re going to not lose your cool when you talk with him, or maybe even _sit_ next to him.

“Great! Oh it's my time to leave, I’ll talk to you guys later!” As Jade skips away you look at Rose. Her purple eyes are filled with delight and you can tell she's going to eat you a live with all her mental BS.

“So, you’re going to get to be with him for a night. It’s a step in the right direction,” She pulls her black lips into a small devilish smile. The clock ticks almost on cue and you stand up. You’ve never been happier to go back to your English class.

“I gotta run. Talk to you later Lalonde.”

“You too Dave.” The tone in her voice let's you know this isn't over. You walk back and then slide into your seat in the back of class. You only half pay attention for the rest of the day. It’s hard to focus when thoughts of John are swirling around in your mind like a summer breeze. Somehow, even though your thoughts are riding the wind John, the day still seems to drag on forever. You've been debating all day whether the queasy feeling you have is from being nervous or excited. What are you going to do if you _do_ sit next to him and his arm or leg is touching yours?

You are a _Strider_ dammit! You need to get your shit together!

You sigh as you approach the bus stairs. That's when you hear a crashing of papers on the ground. You turn to see who’s they were. You think it was fate, and you aren't sure if it's lucky or unlucky after the inner turmoil you've been having. You see John scrambling to pick up his papers, and walk over and bend down to help him. When he notices you take note of the like pink that dusts over his cheeks.

“Uh, th-thanks,” He says as you hand him the papers that you’d picked up.

“No problem.” You turn and walk back to your bus. Climbing up the stairs you almost smile. When you sit down in the last seat, which you don't share with anyone else, you do smile. That adorable pink blush confirms just what you’d hoped. He's at least noticed you around enough to know it's kinda special that you stopped to help him.

When you get home, you walk up the multiple flights of stairs to your apartment. With every step you begin to feel more uneasy about what Bro is going to say. You know that you're going to need to give him an explanation of some kind for him to let you go. You decide that the truth would be best, just leaving out the part that you want to get down on one knee and offer your life to this boy that you haven't even really heard speak much. Bro doesn’t go to work for a few hours so you walk right into his room because you're obviously too cool for that waste of time they call knocking. He looks up at you from his computer chair mildly irritated.

“What?” It's now or never and you hope that he can't tell how nervous you are about this.

“Can I go hang out with Rose, Jade and John later?” The third name gets his attention like you knew it would.

“If you tell me who John is sure.” Most people think Bro isn’t a good parent. In actuality, he’s really protective of you. He likes to make sure you’re going to be safe, which you find ironic considering the shitty swords in your fridge and strifes on the roof.

“John is Jade’s cousin. He’s our age.” He nods a little, and pauses for minute to look you over. You force yourself to take deliberate breaths to try to appear as normal and not nervous as possible even though your heart is trying to beat out of your chest. If Bro senses one thing wrong with this situation he's going to snuff it out and make you tell him all about it and that's the last thing you need right now is your brother on your case especially when Lalonde is already on it.

“Go ahead. If you decide to stay over cause you guys lost track of time or if you need me to pick you up or something text me.” You want to breathe a long sigh of relief but you know that would seem suspicious.

“Kay.” You try to walk out as normally as possible but you trip over your feet a little. You're shaking a little and you decide that most of your nervousness was probably about what to do about your brother. You pull out your phone and text Harley hoping for some relief from your nerves.

**TG: yo what time is this thing going down**

She replies to you almost instantly.

**GG: that depends :P do you want to eat dinner with us coolkid**

You figure you’d be fending for yourself tonight anyway.

 **TG: sure**  
**GG: ok then be over here around five thirty**  
**TG: k**

The few hours pass by slowly. You take a shower, let your hair air dry like always then style the way you want it. You throw on your signature record shirt and black skinny jeans with your red converse. Placing the pointed shades back on your face after cleaning a smudge on them, you look at yourself and you think you’re ready to go.

“Want me to drop you off on my way to work?” Bro asks standing in your doorway.

“Sure.” You both go down stairs and get into his old pickup truck. He drops you off at Harley’s and you wave to him over your shoulder before you knock on the door. He drives away when it opens and he sees Jade.

“Hey Dave! C’mon we’re all waiting for you!” She takes you by the hand closing the door behind you both. She rushes you both into the living room where you see John and Rose playing Super Smash Bros. Jade lets go of your hand and you're left standing there feeling stranded. Rose and John look at you. John’s cheeks turning that light shade of pink again. You almost smile.

“Hello, Dave.” Rose says in that tone that let's you know she's not forgetting what you confided to her earlier. 

“Sup.” You nod a little to John. He barely waves in response. You all sit and play John being silent and looking at you from time to time. You sat right next to him. Rose scooted over so Jade could sit next to him so he wasn’t in between two strangers. He’s taken the liberty of when he readjusted to be slightly closer to you, not that you mind at all. Not one bit of you has a problem with him being closer than he was before. You're well aware how much you're probably overreacting and reading into this but you can't talk yourself out of it.

“Dinner’s done kids.” Grandpa Harley’s voice calls into the room. You all turn off the game and go into the dining room. John takes a seat next to Jade. Then Rose sits across from Jade and you across from John. Jade’s grandpa sitting at the head of the table. You all say thank you and enjoy the delicious food. You all have small talk at the while you’re eating, Jake (as he has insisted you all call him) has started telling another story of his adventures. They really are pretty interesting. He’s seen it all.

After dinner John goes and wanders off with Jake. You don’t see much of John for the rest of the evening. Time sure does fly though! You get a text from Bro around midnight. He’s going to go out to DJ soon and he wanted to know what your plans were.

“Yeah it is pretty late. Come to think of it I don’t know when John’s supposed to go home either. I’ll be right back.” You wait for her return, you and Rose exchanging a few words while she’s gone.

“Are you happy with how things went tonight?”

“I got to hang out with him a little. I feel I’ve made my progress.” She smiles and is about to reply when Jade comes back in.

“We can drive you home. We’re going to drive John home too. Is that okay?”

“Yeah.” Another chance to be close to him. You’re starting to feel nervous again. You text Bro that they’re going to drop you off because they’re dropping John off too. He says he’s cool with it and that he’ll see you later.

Despite how anxious you are, nothing spectacular happens on the the drive. They drop you off first and you take note of what direction they go in and the first corner they turn which makes them go out of sight. You get back up into the apartment closing and locking the door behind you. You walk to your room and you finally let yourself think of how he looked at you during the drive. Even in the dark you could see his eyes scan over your profile.

You undress and lay down into bed only in your boxers. After turning off the lamp in your room, the street lamps casting a sliver of light into your room, you place your shades onto your dresser, and stare at the ceiling. It’s then that it hits you. Tonight was the first night that you’ve really met him and you want him to be yours. You close your eyes thinking about his pale skin, his wonderful buck-toothed smile, and his bright blue eyes that are such a stark contrast to his messy black hair.

\----------------------------------------------------

You wake with a small start looking around. It’s still dark. You think about what’s actually going on again. That you’re in his backyard. That he isn’t really here. That what you were dreaming of, was five years ago. Not yesterday like it feels. You lean your head back again. The brick of the wall lightly scraping against the back of your neck.

You don’t mind, you just go back to sleep. More dreams of him breezing through your mind.

\---------------------------------------------------

You’ve been dating for a little over a year now. You haven’t told Bro, and he hasn’t told his dad. You’ve been out walking like you do sometimes. It’s starting to get dark, the streetlamps just starting to turn on. You’re walking down the street back to his house where you’re spending the night. The perks of neither of you telling your guardians about your relationship, you can still have sleepovers.


	3. After He Was Yours

“Okay, okay!” He laughs out his words, “It’s my turn to ask you a question.” You’re both walking down the street to his house. He thinks about what he’s going to ask you really hard.

“Why me?” You throw him a look; he rolls his eyes.

“You could’ve gotten anyone you wanted, why me?”

“Because you’re the only one that I want.” The response is so immediate you obviously didn't even have to think about it. He blushes and you try your best to hold your tongue and not to be sappy, but you fail.

“And, John, you’re the only one that makes my heart beat like this. That bashful blush that passes your face whenever I compliment you, or whenever you get embarrassed. How your eyes shine, and how when you sleep you curl into me. You’re fucking perfect in your own derpy ass way, and truly....I love you.” A blush of your own has settled onto your cheeks. You’ve both stopped underneath one of the streetlamps, its the third from the corner.

“Dave I...” The blush on his cheeks is redder than before. Possibly redder than you’ve ever seen it, and it’s down right precious. He doesn’t use words, and he doesn’t have to. He wraps his arms around your neck and kisses you. Actually a more apt description would be he unexpectedly crushes his lips into yours and it completely stuns you. You're brain finally catches up and you wrap your arms around his waste as he retracts a little so it's more of a soft romantic kiss.

When he opens his mouth slightly, his braces cut your bottom lip. Your sudden intake of air makes him pull away. He sees that you’re bleeding and looks like he was just told he’s the one responsible for world hunger.

“Oh gosh! Dave! I’m sorry!” You wipe your lip on the back of your sleeve.

“It’s okay.” You laugh a little and he tries to laugh with you but he looks like he’s really beating himself up about it. You kiss him on the cheek and rub your thumb over the spot you kissed.

“It’s alright.” You tell him in your most reassuring voice, and smile softly at him. You walk the rest of the way to his house with your fingers intertwined. You get inside and he helps you clean up the cut the best he can. There isn’t much to do. It’s stopped bleeding at least. When you go to sleep that night you realize that John never said I love you too.

You look down at his already sleeping figure and smile. He doesn’t need to. The blush on his face, and the way he kissed you told you that he loved you too. He never has to say those words to you, as long as you’re the only person whose arms he’s falling asleep in. As long as he’s John he doesn’t need to for you to know that he loves you too.

\------------------------------------------------

You briefly open your eyes and see a blurry figure. Too tired to care, you close them again and feel yourself being lifted up, then carried. Sleep engulfs you again.

\-----------------------------------------------

  
After you told Bro and John told Dad, you kept dating. Things went well with them. They each had their own suspicions that there was more to your relationship together. You still haven’t come out to the kids at school yet. You might not ever come out to them. It scares you both what your classmates would do when faced with something like this. Not to mention that teachers hear the gossip kids spread. You really don't want to know what the teachers might think of you two, especially the older ones. 

Tonight however, is the night of your first date. You’re going roller skating and you suck at it. You suck at it so much, that you aren't even going to try to pretend that you're good at it. Though from what you've heard from Jade, John is really good at it. Which gives you an excuse to be very close to him the whole time and you hope he's okay with this. Partly because you're going to need the help, and partly because you just enjoy being close to him.

“So lil’ man, you ready to go?” You and Bro have talked more since you came out to him, like some sort of secret unknown wall had been broken down. He’s been more open to you about his life experiences and giving you advice on general Do's and Dont's of dating another guy. He’s also being more aware of when John’s over how long you two are alone together. However he also makes sure that he doesn't hover too much which he really doesn't. He pretty easily found that good in-between of not being a helicopter parent, but still being attentive and aware. Your bedroom door stays open all the time now, and you don't feel as lonely when it's just you and Bro home. Though just like you thought, the sleepovers stopped.

“Yeah Bro,” You follow him down the stairs to his old pickup, remembering doing the same thing for the first time that you really met John. You look at your brother while he drives.

“So, ya nervous?”

“Yeah, kind of. I mean, not really about the first date. Mostly about how other people are going to act,” He stops at a red light and turns to fully face you.

“Dave, if things get too bad call me or Mr. Egbert. You’re going to get people that say shit to you, ignore them. I know you can fight, and I’m telling you right now not to be afraid to fight back if they’re the ones to start it. Just don’t be the one to start a fight. It’s best to just leave if you guys get too uncomfortable,” You nod your head knowing how serious this is to him.

“Okay, Bro,” The light turns green, he takes the right and goes forward.

“So, I saw you put on your knee pads under your jeans.”

“Well I know I’m going to be falling. Why should I be more bruised than I have to be?” He smirks.

“Oh, I think you’ll be fine. Your balance is decent.”

“What about you Bro? What are you gonna do while I’m out?” The slight sarcasm in your voice making you both smirk.

“Oh, well I just _don’t know!_ The _pride_ and _joy_ of my life is going out on his _first date_ and I’m going to be home _alone_. _What shall I do?_ ” There’s much more sarcasm in his voice, but you know that some of it he did mean. You both chuckle a little, which is very rare.

“Pride and joy huh?” He turns into the parking lot of the skating rink. He pulls into one of the parking spots to let you get out, but not before giving you a small one armed hug.

“Yeah, pride and joy,” You smile at him and he smiles back. It’s one of those small fleeting moments of pure affection that don’t happen very often.

You slip out moments later, walking into the building and seeing that John’s already in there skating. Damn, he is really good at it. You aren't going to be able to skate like that. You get your rental skates and manage to get them on without him seeing you. You want to see if you can surprise him on the rink.

This proves to be a dumb idea when you stand up using the table as a balance and try moving your feet to almost fall on your face. You finally find a way to move, and even though you’re really unsteady and slow, you make your way to the rink. Staying close to the wall you make your way on the rink. He sees you and rolls up next to you.

“Hey Dave! When did you come in?” His voice and eyes show exactly how happy and excited be is. This helps to placate some of your nerves about how bad you are at this.

“A few minutes ago,” You almost lose your balance but he catches you.

“Gosh Dave, if you didn't know how to roller skate we didn't have to do this.”

“Nah, I’ll be fine,” He smiles at you. He keeps at your pace and you don’t remember when he took your hand, but now someone just skated by and said something about it. You didn't hear it but John looks a little offended. You look around and you notice a lot of people staring and giving you both dirty looks.

“Hey, we can always leave. We can hang out at one of our houses,” You say the words just loud enough for him to hear. He nods his head a little.

“Yeah lets go,” You get off the rink together, and you almost lose your balance a few times. John helps you to stay up each time. You make your way to one of the benches and you both take off your skates. You haven’t even been there for that long, maybe thirty or forty minutes at best.

Walking out people are constantly giving you shit. After you each return your rentals, you head on out holding hands. Getting looks from people coming in and someone behind you yells out, “Faggots!” between songs. You turn around, not knowing who did it and yell right back, “Thanks for noticing!”

John gives you a shocked expression and you kiss his nose. Taking his hand in yours you walk out the roller rink doors. You both stand out on the sidewalk, John still shocked that at what you had done just moments before. You get out your phone and dial Bro’s number. Putting it to your ear, it rings once before he picks it up. On the other end you can already hear him picking up his car keys.

“I’m on my way.”

“Thanks,” You both hang up after that. John gives you a confused look.

“Bro’s coming to get us,” He nods his head a little.

“Hey Dave, do you still wanna hang out?” He looks upset so you smile at him as you slide your phone back into your pocket.

“Yeah,” You reply to him as you snake your arm around his waist. He relaxes into your touch and you hadn't realized how tense you had both become. 

\--------------------------------------------------------

“Should we wake him?” You hear Mr. Egbert’s voice and there’s light around you now. Your body aches and you fight with it to relax the tension from the anger you felt in your dreams.

“No, I think we should let him sleep. We’ll talk with him about it more tomorrow when he gets up,” Jade’s grandpa.

“He didn't take it too well the first first time. He thought I was playing a game with him,” Bro. How many people are here? You don’t bother to sit up, you keep your breathing steady like you’re still sleeping. You don’t want to talk about John. He isn't gone, this is just some nightmare that you’re bound to wake up from anytime now.

“DiStri, that’s cause you and him are constantly back and forth with those mental games. He just doesn't want to accept the fact that his boyfriend’s gone. It’s normal. E’rybody deals with pain in their own way. He’ll deal with it as soon as he’s ready to,” Ms. Lalonde? Is everyone here?

“I can’t help feeling that it’s my fault. If I wouldn't have let Bec out John wouldn't have ran into the street in the first place,” Okay! What the fuck? Everyone _is_ here! Come on Jade too? Are Rose and John here too?

Your chest aches when you think that, no. John  _isn't_  here. He _couldn't_ be.

“Jade, you shouldn't blame yourself. It was an accident. It could’ve happened to anyone really,” Rose. That whole gang is here all because of you and John. You don’t want to listen to this anymore. You roll onto your side and will yourself back into sleep.

\--------------------------------------------------------

He’s sitting right there. You’re best friends and you don’t want to ruin that. You’re closer now than you've ever been before and you haven’t seen any signs that he actually feels the same way about you. You’ll find out though. You promised Rose that you wouldn't back down from telling him how you feel tonight. You hope this goes better than you think it’s going to.


	4. Crimson Irises and Butterflies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been a little busier than normal, haven't had as much time to write. This chapter's also a little longer than the previous ones. :P I hope I haven't made you all wait too long for this chapter, it's been a little bit longer than normal sorry. School work comes first though! I hope you enjoy! :)

“I knew you wouldn’t beat me Egbert. I’m just too good at Mario Kart,” He sticks his tongue out at you. The temptation to quickly pull him in closer and take his tongue into your mouth is almost overwhelming. You quickly get your mind off that train of thought. 

“Would you like me to let you win?” You smirk at him.

“No, cause I know I’ll beat you on my own,” He pouts. You roll your eyes behind the shades that he got you for your last birthday. He’d said that you looked funny with the ‘stupid pointy anime shades’, and looked much better with the aviators.

You have to agree with him that they look better on your face. You know that you’ll grow into the pointed shades when you’re older and have more defined features, but by then you aren’t going to want them because of the shades on your face right now. You adjust and scoot slightly closer to him, he doesn’t notice. You’re in his room with the door closed.

“Yeah whatever, just pick your poison,” His dad went to bed hours ago. You’ve kept the noise level down mostly. Stealing a quick glance at his alarm clock you see that it’s around three a.m. The next thing you notice is him yawning as he selects his course. If you brought up your feelings now, you might be able to pass it off as sleepiness if he doesn’t feel the same way. You’ll just wait until after this course.

“Rainbow Road? Sure you can handle that?” He sticks his tongue out at you again. You play the course with him, after you beat him mercilessly you both decide to go to bed. He gets up and turns off the game console. You spread your sleeping bag out onto the floor.

“Dave, I don’t care you can sleep with me if you want. There’s enough room for us both on my bed,” You fight back a blush at the thought of sleeping with him. You nod your head a little partly to let him know you agree, partly to try to clear the dirty thoughts that just swam around your mind.

“Sure,” You say, hoping that you just sound tired and not anxious like you do. You get out your pajamas which are just basketball shorts and a baggy old wife beater. You both change into what you’re wearing to bed and you’re thankful for your shades which let you watch his every movement while he was changing without him knowing. You feel almost creepy and perverted watching him like this but you can't force your eyes away from him.

“Hey John, um, can I talk to you about something?” You mentally kick yourself for the ‘um’ in your previous sentence. He looks at you slightly surprised, probably because you used his first name.

“Yeah, sure Dave. Do you wanna talk sitting down?” He's made the correct assumption that whatever is so important you ask to talk about it instead of just going for it must be a really big deal.

“Yeah, that's a good idea,” He moves over to his bed and sits down crossing his legs. You follow suit directly across from him.

“So, what do you want to talk to me about?” You swallow the lump forming in our throat. This is a now or never decision and you know it.

“John, look, I know that you’ve said it a billion times to me, Rose, Jade, and just about anyone that says differently that you aren’t a homosexual. Well, I guess I know what’s going to happen when I bring this up, but I still have to hear it from you I guess,” His face has turned a light shade of pink by now.

“So, I’ll explain this in the simplest terms I possibly can. Since the first day I met you, I’ve kind of had this thing for you and it was mostly just a crush. Recently, though, it’s just been growing inside of me and....well...John, I- I seriously fricking like you and-” He cuts you off with a finger to your lips, you look at his face which you really hadn’t mostly while you were talking and it’s bright red now.

He sits up on his knees and moves forward the small amount to be directly in front of you. He reaches out and slowly takes your shades off your face. You almost stop him, but then you realize how much this really means to him. You close your eyes, and when you feel your shades lifted all the way off, you take a deep breath and slowly open them and look up at him.

“Dave,” He starts quietly. This is the first time he’s seen your eyes and he can’t take his off of them. “I’m always saying I’m not a homosexual because I thought you weren’t, and you’re the only one that I want. So, I’d rather deny it than endanger our friendship like I thought it would’ve,” He can read everything you’re feeling now. Your eyes have always been open books.

You smile, and he tackle hugs you on the bed. It makes you go backwards, and puts him on top of you, not like you’re complaining about that though. You wrap your arms around his back hug him tightly to yourself. You’ve never wanted anything more than you’ve wanted something like this with him. He giggles softly in your ear and you smile wider, closing your eyes in contentment. You could really get used to this.

“I don’t know why you hide your eyes all the time Dave. They’re perfect,” You blush a little and whisper back to him, “I hide them because most people don’t think the same as you,” He places his hands on either side of your shoulders and lifts up slightly to look you in the eye again.

“Are you blushing?” You try to fight it back, but without your shades you can’t bring up your poker face. You blush a little harder. It only makes him smile wider.

“It’s so different to see you like this, and I think that I really like it.” You feel so vulnerable like this, and that’s probably what he likes. He likes being able to know what you’re feeling. You bring your hand up and run it through his messy hair.

“C’mon lets get some sleep,” You shove him to your side where he promptly snuggles into you, making you smile again.

“You’re adorable, you know that?” He giggles and nuzzles your side.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” He giggles again and places both your shades and his glasses on his nightstand before turning back over onto his side to face you. You’re on your back and he places his head on your chest. This is just perfect, exactly how you’ve always wanted this to be. This is how it always should be. Him falling asleep in your arms, and you being able to be without your shades and not feel exposed around him. You don’t think you’ve ever been happier than you are right now.

You realize now, that Rose was right and that she’s always been right about everything between you and John so far. The first meeting, telling you that you both would be great friends if you just opened up a little and first, and now when she told you that before you’re too far into the friendzone you should tell him how you feel. She’s good at giving other people advice, but not at helping herself. Maybe, you could help her later. She might actually like you being more open to her about something.

Nah, you like being difficult too much.

\--------------------------------------------------------

Someone’s stroking your hair when you blink your eyes open behind your shades. The hand is too strong to be Jade’s or Rose’s. You don’t think that Mr. Egbert or Jade’s grandpa (that you only call Jake when he’s in the room or you know he’s listening) would be doing that. Heck, you don’t even think that Bro would stroke your hair, but it’s the most likely out of the people in the room.

“You’ve been through a lot lil’man. Huh?” That’s Bro’s voice, but without the deadpan mask. You know that he wouldn’t let his emotions show unless it was only the two of you. You take a hard look at the ceiling and see that it isn’t the same textured ceiling as John’s house. You’re back at the apartment. Bro carried you up all those flights of stairs by himself. You know he’s in good condition but that’s still a lot even for him.

“God, I knew you weren’t gonna take it well, but I didn’t think that you were gonna run to his house and sit outside in the cold. Dave, I know you really fell hard for him. I know you really loved him, but you’re going to have to move past it eventually. I’m not expecting that from you since it just happened, but you can’t dwell on it for too long. Alright?” He pauses and sighs.

“You know I fell for someone the same way you fell for John. I had a relationship with them, but it just didn’t go well ya know? I know it’s different, but it still hurt and I guess what I’m really trying to say is that well I don’t dwell on it anymore. I got over it, like you’re going to need to get over John. I understand that it hurts. I understand that it’s your first real love, but that shouldn’t haunt you for the rest of your life because you just can’t get over him.” Another pause where he keeps stroking your hair. You never thought you’d hear Bro pour his heart out like this. It’s nice to know that he’s a person too, that he really feels.

“You really have been through a lot, and we’re all worried about you and Mr. Egbert. He’s staying with Jake and Jade. I don’t know how you’ve managed to sleep this much. I don’t really care though, because all I care about is you being okay. I know this is going to be rough for you. I know that it already is, but I’m going to try my best to make this easier on you. You aren’t going to school tomorrow. You don’t need that shit from anyone. I really am worried about you though. I mean lately you’ve been so independent. As proud as I am of you growing up, I know that you’re still just a kid. Dave, you’re my little brother. I’m proud that you’ve done so well in life so far, but I know that you still need someone there for you. Without John, I know you feel like no one’s there, but remember before John? How when things got really bad, you’d come to me. You still can. You’ve always been able to come to me. I’m still here, I’ll always be here when you need me to be. All I want is you to be able to heal. Hell, Jade almost killed the poor teenager that was driving the car. Well, after she was over her shock.” He sighs again. You don’t want to let him know you’re awake just yet, because you like hearing him talk. You like hearing him be open.

“Kid, I know you’re awake. You don’t have to act." You hold your breath and sit up. You look at him square in the shades. He opens his arms for another hug.

“Don’t run this time,” It looks like it’s really hurting him to see you hurt and you can hear that he's tearing up from his voice. Before you hug him, you take off your shades. He gives you a small sad smile and something is passed between you two that as soon as you commit to this you won't be able to hold your emotions back. You hug him, burying your face into his shoulder. It’s hard because of both of your positions on the futon. He’d been sitting on the edge of it with you laying down on it.

He holds you tightly to himself. You don’t stop yourself from crying. It feels nice to have Bro here. Though you want John to be here right now, it’s still nice to have someone you know you can trust here. He just lets you cry, and you aren’t just crying about John’s death anymore. It’s remembering everything that you did together, the happy moments, the terrifying moments, the moments where he had you blushing like a fucking anime school girl. The tears just keep flowing, you don’t know how long you’ve been crying for. When you do finally stop and look up at Bro, he’s taken off his shades too.

“Ya know, if you ever wanna talk about any of this I’m here. If you just want to cry, I can be here for that too.” You smile a little and shift to make a place for him to sit. He gets the hint.

“So, what do ya wanna talk about?”

“I don’t know,” You pause for a moment to wipe your eyes and you sigh. “I just really don’t know. I mean John meant, and still means the world to me. I don’t know how to describe what we had together.” He looks at you sympathetically. It hurts more than you'd ever admit.

“You really fell hard for him.” You nod your head.

“He made me so light headed. I could swear that he was able to ride the wind and he took me with him.” He smiles a little.

“Yeah, love can really be a poison sometimes. It’s always the sweetest of any though.” You tilt your head back and look at the ceiling.

“Some would call love a poison, I call it a blessing,” You look back at him, “Bro, I still want him to be here.” He drapes his arm around your shoulders and rubs your shoulder lightly.

“We all do Dave.” There’s a question chewing at the back of your mind now. You hesitate before asking it.

“What about the funeral?” You feel a small lump start to form in your throat when you ask it. Not to mention the tears that start filling your eyes again.

“The plans haven’t been made for that yet. They’re going to be made tomorrow afternoon.” You nod your head soon after resting it on his shoulder.

“It’s going to be okay lil’ man.” You want to believe him, but you just can’t. Without John, nothing feels whole. Nothing’s ever going to be okay again without him here.

“It really is. It’s the end of the world for now, but years from now it will be just a sad memory. You’ll be fine.” You make a silent promise to never let go of John, to never love another ever again. You think about how he had talked about adopting a little girl one day. How he’d want to name her Casey. That was a nice day. You’d all been joking around at lunch around the time you’d really started being friends. A simple game of truth or dare, but no one would take a dare. You remembered how he’d laughed when you said that you’d planned to be a time traveling DJ when Rose had asked you what you planned to do with your life.

Nothing could ever match his laugh. Nothing in the world could match the way that he always snorted on the first intake of air to laugh. Nothing could match how he’d closed his eyes, and how he’d laugh with his whole body. You’ve seen him laugh so hard that he had tears in his eyes and he was gasping for air. You don’t even remember what made him laugh like that, you just remember how his forehead had ended up against your shoulder and one of his arms lazily wrapped around to the other one as he laughed because he needed the support. You had almost blushed at the time. It had been before you were dating, you knew that for sure. It had meant much more to you than you think he ever knew.

The tears start rolling down your cheeks again. Bro pulls you into another hug and lets you cry. Normally he would’ve told you to man the fuck up if you were crying. Though, this is a bit of a different case than one of your strifes on the roof. You never saw him cry, not once, but you can’t mistake the single tear that hits your forehead. You cry harder knowing how much it really hurts him to see you hurting. You just want to sleep it off; you start to talk yourself into thinking that you can. That once you wake up, you’ll be just fine.

You stand up and sulk into your room. You don’t want to be around anyone anymore. Climbing under the sheets fully clothed you close your eyes and curl up. You cry silently and hear Bro walk into your room. You can’t be around anyone right now. He climbs into your bed behind you. You slowly stop crying and eventually forget that it’s Bro behind you. So many times John had held you close to him in that same way.

\-----------------------------------------------------------

John’s spooning you again. Yes, you’re together and you actually feel very safe in his arms, but you never understood how he manages to always be spooning you. He shifts in his sleep, making a small noise that sounds like an uncompleted but unrecognizable word. He nuzzles the back of your neck, his breath ghosting across it and some of your shoulders. You take a deep breath. Today’s going to be a good day.


	5. Chili Dip and Story Telling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go guys! Things are a bit hectic between moving and getting all the school work and such, but I'm not giving up! Have chapter 5, you deserve it.

You lay in his arms, and wait for him to wake up. You find it peaceful the way that he sleeps so soundly. He nuzzles your neck again and you smile. He’s just so perfect in everything that he does. You’ve never known anyone that’s such an adorable little derp. You’ve never met anyone else like him. You close your eyes, and take another deep breath. He’s always had this way of making you feel whole, and safe.

He starts to stir a little. His arms that were wrapped around your chest, now stretching out in front of you. He hugs you into himself briefly before sitting up and planting a small kiss on your cheek.

“C’mon, lets go get some breakfast.” He smiles at you and waits patiently as you stretch and get up slowly. You make your way downstairs, fingers intertwined. It’s summer and his dad trusts you both enough to be home alone. He’s already gone off for work. So that allows you, while John is pouring cereal, to come up and hug his waist from behind placing your chin on his shoulder. He smiles a little wider.

“So, what have we planned for today, darling?” You take pride in making that light blush across his cheeks.

“I don’t know. Anything we want, dear.” You smile a little. The implications of that sentence a little more than obvious.You kiss his cheek and he giggles. Turning around, he lifts up your shades to look you in the eyes. He’s really fascinated with them, and you don’t have a problem with that. If he wants to take off your shades every chance he gets, then by all means he’s going to. You give him a smile as he brings his arms up around your neck.

Placing your arms around his waist you bring him just those last few centimeters closer so you can capture those lips. As you kiss, you can’t help but to think that this is the way it should always be; waking up every morning to that smile. It really would be nice, and you just know that someday it’ll be like that. Someday he’ll be more than just your boyfriend.

Slowly you both pull away, your mutant red eyes meeting his sparkling blue ones. You don’t even know what he’s done with your shades at this point. Not caring, you put our forehead on his. He smiles widely as you both stand there in the comfortable silence. Nothing could make this more perfect than it is right now. Nothing.

“I love you Dave,” Well besides that. That just made this the most perfect it can be ever. Anyone says differently and they get bound and thrown into a river.

“I love you too John.” You slowly move your hands down, he lets you, and they come to rest on his ass. He presses his body flush against yours standing on his tiptoes to whisper in your ear, “I told you we could do anything we wanted to do today. Well, what do you wanna do?”

He can’t be serious. You think that he actually might be which is what surprises you more than anything. Though, you don’t want to just jump into something like this. Not to mention you don’t think either of you have the type of things that you’d need for doing all the things your mind just wondered through. It definitely isn’t going to stop you from having a good time though. 

Gently he starts to push you backwards. You let him push you back against the wall and pin you there. He kisses down your neck, you’ve both been careful not to make marks on each other so you don’t get questions from your guardians. You think that’s about to go out the window, and you frankly don’t give a flying fuck if it means you’re going to get a noise out of him. (Or possibly vise versa. Though you’d never admit that you’d like him to do that to you.)

His hands are now trailing over your chest, while he continues to kiss your neck and part of your jawline. His hands move down, then under the hem of your shirt and back up. His cold hands send a small shock through your body as they move across your chest; you can’t deny that you like the feeling of his skin on yours.

Though you know that this could end very poorly, you don’t care. The worst case scenario is that John’s dad walks in, which is very unlikely. Those thoughts leaving your head, you move your hands under his shirt to his back. His skin is warm and smooth. His lips have moved back up to yours by now; fervently kissing you. The need that it’s the kiss from both of you apparent to the other.

Running your hands down his ribs, you let your nails lightly scratch down the skin. You get rewarded with a small gasp from him, leaving his lips slightly parted. You take that as an opportunity to slip your tongue into his mouth. There’s always been this kind of satisfaction that you get when John parts his lips for you, or when he takes the reigns of the kiss and makes you part your lips for him. Slowly, he does take power from you, and slowly you submit to him. You’ve always melted under his touch; more than he melts under yours.

His fingers brush over one of your nipples causing you to gasp. He does it agian but more deliberately; you gasp again. Slowly, he leads you back to his room. Some form of contact always between you two. He has you doing whatever he pleases at this point, and you don’t have a damn problem with that.

When you woke up, which wasn’t too long ago, you didn’t expect to be in the position you’re in now. Underneath John with him straddling your hips. You have a feeling that today’s about to get a lot better than you thought it was going to be. Especially with that wild look of determination in his eyes.

****

\---------------------------------------------------

You wake up when the weight behind you shifts and then is gone. You hear muted footsteps across the carpet and out of your room. Across the hall you hear the shower turn on. Not too long after Bro comes back in and puts a gentle hand on your shoulder. You turn over and look him in the eye, wanting so heavily for that to be John.

“C’mon, go take a shower.” You get up slowly and drag your feet towards the bathroom. You see Bro move towards the other end of the of apartment and into his own room. You hear his shower turn on. You pull your phone out of your pocket and look at the time. Oh. They can’t actually be taking you to it could they?

Pushing the thoughts out of your mind you move into the bathroom. After closing and locking the door, you strip. Stepping under the warm spray of water, you don’t think twice before you put your head under and let streams of water run down your face and over your eyes forcing you to shut them. You let the warmth surround you and let yourself think about John’s death.

It was just an accident. No one could’ve seen that coming; could’ve foretold that. It’s not anybody’s fault really, but that doesn’t change how much you still want him here with you. You know you’ve started crying by now but you let yourself. You didn’t even realize that you started talking to John like he could hear you.

“Listen, I know you’re gone, but I love you and I know that isn’t going to bring you back, but it just hurts not to have you here. John, if you can hear me I want you to know I’ve made a promise to both you and me. I’ve promised not to love anyone else the way I loved, and still love, you.” It’s all a faint whisper.  Nobody could’ve heard it even if they tried, but you still said it all. Which just that makes you feel better.

You thoroughly wash yourself, wanting to look the best you can. You stop crying a few minutes before you get out. When you do, you quickly dry off and wrap the towel around your waist. After opening the door, you can smell that Bro’s started cooking. He rarely does that; only when he needs to cheer you up. People can argue all they want about Bro’s parenting, but when it comes down to it he does really care about you. He does really take care of you and protect you the best he can. You can only hope to be able to care about someone like that again after John.

You move to your room and put on a record t shirt and jeans. Once you do, you move out to the living room and go pick up your shades out of there. You place them onto your face and they make things easier to deal with, because then you don’t have to deal with them. You walk into the kitchen and get some apple juice from the fridge. Unlike normal, you don’t have to dodge a bunch of shitty swords. Bro really is taking it easy on you, and it’s nice to only have to worry about one thing at a time right now.

“What are you making?” You already know what it is. Bro always makes the same thing whenever you get upset.

“Chili Dip. It’s going to be about twenty minutes, Dave.” He must’ve run up the street real quick to the store and gotten everything he needed while you were still in the shower. God this is the man that raised you. You almost feel bad for not spending as much time with him since you’ve been dating John.

You sit on the counter next to the stove. He already had that place cleared for you. He knows you. He raised you. He’s still here for you. He’s always here for you. Bro’s always been there throughout your entire life to listen and care for you in his own minorly fucked up way. Though, he was still there. No matter what. No matter how wasted he got some nights, if you were sitting on the futon waiting up for him he’d talk with you. Then do his best to talk to you again after he was mostly sober in the morning. When you were really little, he all but sacrificed his social life for you.

“Cool.” You wonder if they’re actually going to be taking you with them to plan John’s funeral like you think.

“Do you wanna go today?” He’s asking, but he already knows what your answer’s going to be. Only under one condition though.

“If I’m aloud to I guess I’ll go.” He places the chili dip into the oven and sets the timer. Then he looks directly at you, you can’t see his eyes because he has his shades on now too.

“But do you _want_ to go?”

“Yeah,” You respond quietly and look down at the floor. You just don’t want to have to see his body. You’ve only been to one other funeral, and it was for Rose’s cat. The things you’ve seen on tv though, the people don’t look like themselves after they die. You think the last memory of John that you’d like to keep will be of promising to go do something with him over the weekend, and the way that he smiled and giggled. His nose had crinkled just so, and his eyes were bright with anticipation and a little mischief. It was beautiful, the way he would giggle at little things like that and the way that he’d loop his arm with yours while you walked together. He was just so perfect, and nobody can ever match him or the way he made you feel.

Bro puts a hand on your shoulder; you don’t look up at him. “It’s gonna be okay kid. It’ll get better.” You clench your jaw in an attempt to not start crying again. It works. You think that this is the most that you’ve cried since that pet crow that you had died. That pales in comparison to how much you hurt right now though. Nothing could’ve ripped out your heart more brutally, or crushed your heart harder than this has.

He was your world; your everything. You’d give up everything else if you could just be with him again. You were his, and he was yours. You think about what you promised yourself and to him. Would it really be what he wanted? The thought almost makes you sick with yourself. You couldn’t do that. You won’t do that. Never will you love another.

“Should I dress nicer?” You have a suit and you don’t know what’s considered okay to wear to this kind of event.

“I’d say to go ahead and put on something nice. Not too nice though.” You decide on a dress shirt and a black pair of jeans. It’s nicer, but not really nice. This is going to hurt like hell. More than anything you think that it isn’t fair that you’re in this kind of state. Jade’s cousin, Mr. Egbert’s son, Grandpa Harley’s grandson. Family. You’re not. You were just his boyfriend, but yet it seems like nobody sees you as any different than family.

All you really want right now is to see John again. Not in a coffin, you want to see him smile, see him laugh, see him look at you with those shining blue sapphire eyes and hear that voice that even after dating for as long as you have still gives you butterflies to hear it. You want to see that light pink blush that would cross over his face every time after you kissed and stood there with him. You want to feel that soft smooth skin, that silky black hair, his feet stepping on yours as you dance, his arms around your neck. You let a small sad smile come across your lips as you sit down on your bed.

_Maybe you could join him._

You look over at your closet where your sword is. It would be as simple as going in there and getting it, then just offing yourself. You’d be able to see that face again.

_What about Bro?_

You hadn’t realized that you’d already walked towards your closet door and was standing in front of it until you heard Bro. “Dave, where’d you go lil’ man? Your phone’s been exploding.”

He’s standing in your doorway now. You make another quick glance at your closet before pushing the thoughts out of your mind. You’ll think about things like that later. For now it’s time to see what’s going on.

****

**GG: dave?**

**GG: you always have your phone charged its practically part of you!!!**

**GG: i know youre there**

**GG: dave answer me!!!!!**

**GG: please i just wanna make sure youre ok**

**GG: dave?**

**TG: yeah im here now harley**

**GG: are you ok?**

**TG: yeah everythings fine in dave land what about in jade land you ok**

**GG: dave i know everything isnt ok you just lost your boyfriend**

**TG: then whyd you ask if you knew somethings wrong**

**GG: cause i dont know! i just thought maybe youd tell me how youre really feeling for once??**

**TG: you wanna know how i really feel? i feel like someones ripped my heart out and stomped on it then while it was in pieces tried to shove it back into my chest so im trying to live on a literally broken heart**

**GG: gosh dave im speechless**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: look im going to work with whats going to be my final piece with any of johns piano playing in it ill talk to you later**

**GG: ok but im here dave**

**TG: wait i want to know just one more thing though**

**GG: whats that**

**TG: howre you mr egbert and your grandpa doing**

**GG: well uncle egbert is doing the worst out of all of us im donig pretty ok with dealing with all of this and grandpas just trying his best to comfort uncle but grandpa is hurting but not really too bad**

**TG: ok and jade**

**GG: yeah dave**

**TG: watch out for them and yourself youre really like family**

**GG: :) youre like family too**

**TG: talk to you later harley**

**GG: you too dave**

That felt pretty good. You don’t see why you couldn’t have just been open like this to everyone in the first place. You know why, you don’t really want to deal with this. Any of it, but you’re going to have to. You wonder what John really would’ve wanted in this situation. You go sit down in front of your computer and open pesterchum, because it just feels right. 

When you open it, it says John’s trying to pester you. _It’s labeled yesterday._


	6. A False Hope

You click on the message box. You can feel your heart stop a you start to read it.

****

**\--ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 21:06--**

**EB: hey dave its jade**

**EB: i know you were probably hoping for john but my phones dead and john only his dads old pda**

**EB: something really bad just happened i dont know if youre even going to get this but id like it if youd come to the hospital**

**EB: john would too he just got hit by a car me and grandpa are on the way now and we dont know if hes going to make it**

**EB: dave if you do get this please come even if you decide not to or you dont get it john wanted to give you a message**

**EB: he says he loves you**

**\--ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 21:10--**

****

You can’t believe that when no one was responding to you last night that you didn’t think to check pesterchum. They tried to tell you. You could’ve gone and said goodbye, but you didn’t think to check for it. You don’t know how you would’ve responded being in the room when it happened though, it could’ve been worse. You wonder if John wanted you there, and you never showed up.

****

You close the tab, and turn off your computer. You don’t want to deal with this anymore. You just want John, you just want things to be ok, you just want it all go back to the way it was. You hope whoever did this realizes what they’ve done to you, and not only to you but to Jade, Rose, Mr. Egbert, Jade and John’s grandpa. You hope they know, and feel guilty and awful about it. You don’t care who they are, or how it affects them. Wait. Wait just a freaking second. Bro said that Jade almost killed the poor teenager who was driving the car. Jade knows who did it. You’re going to have to get that information out of her somehow or another and you’re going to give them an idea of how much they’ve hurt all of you.

****

You lean back in your computer chair and stare at the ceiling. You don’t know what to expect when you go with them. You really don’t. You know that you just don’t want to see the body. It creeps you out, and you don’t want to start crying in front of everyone. Fuck, just fuck. You sigh, and start really thinking.

****

What were you expecting when you saw that pesterchum box? What were you actually hoping for? John to say that he loves you, the possibility that he was going to tell you want he wanted you to do in case he didn’t make it? What did you really want from that? To be told it was another one of his pranks taken just a bit too far this time? That all you had to do was go to the hospital and that he’d be waiting for you in a hospital bed? That you would be able to say goodbye? That you’d get to be with him? That he was still alive? That he wanted you to move on?

****

You sit up and shake your head. You couldn’t do that even if he told you to. You just couldn’t. You loved him. You really, really  loved him and you don’t want him to be gone. You don’t want anyone’s ‘comforting’ words, you just want the one thing that no one can give to you and that’s John damnit. All you really want is John. That’s all you think you’ve ever really needed. John. Everyone else pales in comparison. Everything else pales in comparison. The sun can’t shine as brightly as his smile did, nothing can sound as sweet as his voice, just nothing is as good as he was.

****

The past tense is going to kill you, if you don’t kill yourself first. You try to think about if you’d have the strength to kill yourself. Do you really? What would happen to Bro? Or Jade? Or Rose? Mr. Egbert? Jade’s Grandpa? Ms. Lalonde? Other kids at school? Well, fuck the other kids at school they don’t mean crap to you, but what about everyone you do care about? What would they all do? John’s already gone. You know Bro didn’t know John well and most of his pain is coming from seeing you hurt so bad, but what would he do if you killed yourself? Would he be the one to find your body? Would he still through all that manage to be the stoic guardian that you know him as, or would break down and start crying as soon as he found out that you were even thinking about this? You know he cares, but would he be able to keep going without you? Is that the kinds of questions John asked himself when he knew he was probably going to die?

****

Was he asking himself if you were going to kill yourself? If you were going to be able to move on? If you would keep your poker face? If you would be able to keep living without him by your side? Is that what was going through his mind? Or were his thoughts more about what the afterlife was going to be like? What was after life, if anything was after it? Is that what his thoughts were like? Was it a mixture of the two? Were there a few minutes where he was laying in the hospital bed, surrounded by his dad, his grandpa, Jade, Rose, and Ms. Lalonde wondering where you were? Hoping to get to say goodbye to you and you just never showed up? Is that what happened? Was everyone else there but you?

****

You don’t know when you started crying, but you have. You just want John, though no amount of begging or crying is going to bring him back. Why the fuck not though? You just want someone to be there. You need someone to be there and that someone is John. You know it, you just fucking know it. John was the air in your lungs, your north star, your sunshine on a cloudy day. Why can’t he just be here? Why?

****

“It’s gonna be ok,” Bro’s hand is on your shoulder. You must’ve been crying pretty loud for him to come in here. He turns the chair so you’re facing him completely, there’s a frown on his face. You wonder if he’s finally going to tell you man up, or if he’s just going to give you more sympathy. Honestly at this point, you’d have to say you’d want him to just tell you to get over it. You know that you would yell at him and get angry about it, but that might actually help right now.

****

“Bro, no it’s not! It’s not going to be ok! He’s...he’s...” You hunch over and put your face into your hands and sob loudly. Your entire body shakes as you do. You don’t care how loud you are anymore.

****

“I don’t want him to be gone! I promised him I’d never let anything happen bad happen to him and I failed him! For all I know he was sitting there holding on for as long as he could so he could say goodbye and I never showed up! He was laying in a hospital bed waiting for me to show up and be his knight in shining armor and I never showed!” You’re full on sobbing at this point. Your glasses discarded on the desk; tears streaming down your cheeks like a dam has broken. You’ve never seen your brother cry, you’ve never seen him break facade. Not until now.

****

Bro. The one person who no matter what has always remained your stoic, unphasable guardian, is now crying. There are actual tears running down his face even if he’s still trying to stick to his mask. His lips are now pressed into their usual thin line; the rest of his face is unreadable, but there’s no denying that he’s looking at you and that there are tears running down his face. That it’s all because of you. Which is all because of John. You want nothing more right now than John. Then none of this would be happening. Then everything would be okay.

****

“Dave...” Bro’s voice just wavered slightly, and his breathing’s starting to become a little more shaky as time passes. You can’t believe you’re seeing this. Not even when you went to the funeral for your mom, which is a really hazy memory for you since you were so little, did Bro actually cry in front of anyone. Especially not you. Since then though, he’s raised you. It’s been practically your whole life. You wouldn’t change a thing.

****

“He’s gone. He’s gone. He’s gone,” You slowly bring your voice down into a whisper. You look down and your chest aches. You’ve said it now. You’ve openly admitted that he’s gone. You feel like you’ve been defeated. That you’ve lost a battle that cost him his life. Like it was all your fault, because you couldn’t be there to keep him safe. You close your eyes and can see his face. Smiling, shining, so happy, so...alive. You won’t let that picture fade from your mind.

****

You didn’t even register Bro’s arms around you. Well, not until the shoulder of your shirt started getting noticeably wet. He’s trying to hold it all back, his breath is shaky and you can hear him grinding his teeth to try not to come outright and cry. You can’t believe that Bro is going through all of this just because he’s seeing you hurt.

****

“D-dave, it’s going to be okay. Alright? It’s going to...it’s going to be okay,” He just stuttered. He’s hugging you. He’s crying. Bro, your stoic guardian is breaking. You hug him back and cry into his shoulder. It feels good, but in that sorrowful way that only this kind of event can bring.

****

The oven timer goes off, he has to go get it. You follow shortly behind him and sit on the counter next to the stove like always. It’s nice to have Bro close again like this, but you’ve seen John in all honesty. You’ve been trying your hardest to deny it, but you’ve only been seeing John with everything that Bro’s been doing to be close and take care of you. God you want John. Maybe if you just picture it hard enough he’ll be here. You can’t believe that you’re being this crazy.

****

Bro pulls out the chili dip and asks if you’ll grab the chips. You hop down and from the counter and then get the tortilla chips out of the pantry. Both of you then make your way to the couch and sit down. He flicks on the TV for ambient noise, but neither of you actually watch it. The two of you just sit there eating the chili dip without passing words. You’ve always had an appreciation for his cooking. Chili dip especially makes you feel better when you’re down. You don’t know why, but it has for as long as you can remember.

****

You really relish the feeling of comfort you’re getting from Bro and from the food. When you finally look up at the TV it’s some shitty reality show. You actually find it pretty entertaining to watch other people bitch about their stupid ass problems. Bro catches on and eventually starts to make fun of it. Since clearly facades have been thrown out the window, you laugh. It’s been a long time since you’ve genuinely laughed around him. It’s been awhile since you’ve been around him in general, and it’s really, really nice.

****

When you find out that the show’s playing an all day marathon, and that you still have a couple hours to kill, you and Bro decide to sit there and make fun of the people on the TV show. For those few hours, nothing’s wrong. For a few hours, you don’t think about John. For that amount of time you’re truly content. Until it’s time to go. Then you have to compose yourself and force yourself to stay calm. You put your discarded shades back onto your face and walk out the door right behind Bro.

****

Down the complex stairs and into the passenger seat of his old pickup truck. Bro starts driving another path that you know, one that leads to someone who even through the cool kid shenanigans has always been able to understand everything that you said.

****

“Why are we going to Rose’s house?” He makes a left turn onto a one way street.

****

“We’re picking up Rose and her mom to drive them there.”

****

Your voice raises slightly, “Ms. Lalonde isn’t going to this if she’s drunk.” He gives you a quick side glance.

****

“She isn’t drunk, she just hasn’t driven in so long because she’s wasted almost all the time.” You calm down a bit. “She’s also going to be taking the front seat from you.”

****

“Kay.” He goes to the end of the one way street and takes a right onto their street. You’re already unbuckling your seatbelt even before they’re walking towards the car. You wait to get out until Ms. Lalonde is walking around the front and you open the door for her. She smiles at you, a small sad smile. This is the only time you haven’t seen her drunk. You close the door for her and open the smaller backdoor for Rose.

****

She knows that you aren’t in the mood for her snarky bullshit that she’d normally give you for doing something like that, so she just gives you that same sad smile as Ms. Lalonde and gets into the truck. You get in next to her and the rest of the way there is silent. You think about what condition Mr. Egbert’s going to be in. Probably worse than you.

****

You look over at Rose who’s looking out the window. You take note that she’s wearing; a black knee length skirt along with a dark purple blouse and a black headband. Though for once she isn’t wearing the black lipstick. She looks so different without it. You have to say she looks prettier without it. More professional and grown-up, much classier. She truly looks like a woman.

 

You compare what you’re wearing and decide that it’s nice enough. You still don’t know what to expect from this. You realize that you never went through and mixed those beats like you were going to earlier. Oh well, you spent it doing something else that was a lot better.

 

You don’t know how long you’ve been driving for because you’ve been lost in your own thoughts, but Rose places a hand on your forearm the car is parked in front of white brick building. You notice that not only her, but Bro and Ms. Lalonde are all waiting for you to step out first.

 

You look over at the car that pulls up next to the truck. You wait for Mr. Egbert to step out first. You want to show respect. As soon as he steps out you open the door. You walk over to him immediately.


	7. How You Try to Be There

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait I've been having some personal troubles ((A friend of mine died and every time I went to write it's all I thought about so sorry you guys and R.I.P. Bailey))

Your cell rings about 9:30 and you're on your way to deliver one of the last few pizzas of the night. You pick it up without looking at the number. Putting it to your ear, the person starts talking before you can even get out a greeting.

"Um, hello Mr. Strider. I think it would be wise to inform you now that, well, John just passed away. He ran into the street after Jade's dog, and while the dog was saved he was not. The car crashed into him." You recognize the voice as that of Dave's friend Rose. You don't know how to respond to that.

"Does Dave know?" Her response is almost immediate.

“No, we didn’t know how to tell him. John died on the way to the hospital. They tried their hardest, but he didn’t make it.”

“Who?” You say it as a demand.

“A teenager, by the name of Karkat Vantas.” She speaks quietly on the other end. Her voice is calm and controlled. “He got out of his car almost as soon as it happened and was already dialing 911 before any of us even thought to. From what I hear, Jade almost killed the poor boy.” How are you going to tell Dave?

“Okay, I’ll tell him once I get home.” You hear someone sniffling in the background.

“Alright, goodbye.”

“Bye,” You hang up and sit in complete silence the rest of the time that you’re delivering trying to find a way to tell Dave. You decide it’s best to keep him at home for now. You pick up your phone and scroll through your contacts to his name. You hover over the call button for a few seconds before pressing it and putting it to your ear.

“Sup,” He won’t be that relaxed later.

“Hey be home when I get home. ‘Kay?” You want to keep this short.

“‘Kay. That all?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool. Then, bye.”

“Bye.” You hang up and sit in the silence that’s left. You get up to the house that ordered the large pepperoni and get out and walk up to the front door.

Knocking on the door, you wait outside for them to answer. You hear a kid yelling for a mom, moments later the door opens. She’s on the shorter side and has dark black hair. Her hair is short and she’s wearing a blue béret. She’s smiling widely and her whole house smells like cats.

After you finish the rest of the orders that you had you start on your way home in your pickup. You don’t know how you’re going to be able to do this. He’s going to be crushed, and devastated. How’s he going to move on? His first really serious relationship, and this is how it ends. John was one of the best things that’s ever happened to him. God, he’s grown up so much and it seems like it just all happened too fast. You’ve dedicated your life to raising him, and now he’s pretty much raised entirely. This really just shouldn’t have happened to him. He doesn’t deserve it.

It’s about ten when you get home. You unlock the door and walk down the short hallway to the living room. When you get there you see Dave waiting for you on the futon stiff as a door. You think that someone’s told him making what you’re about to do possibly a lot easier. You sit on the coffee table across from him and take off your shades. You hesitate slightly before speaking.

“Dave, about an hour ago John ran into the street,” You see him clench his jaw. He hasn’t been told. You think it’s best to just rip off the band aid.

“He ran into the street after Bec. He got hit by a car, Dave. John’s dead.” You swallow as you watch realization slowly pass onto his face. Quickly after complete and utter denial.

“What?” His voice is shakey.

“John’s dead,” Maybe this wasn’t the best way to present him with this information. He looks down and you know he won’t accept this as truth.

“Bro, this game is sick.” His bottom lip quivers slightly.

“It’s not a game. I’m being serious.” Your voice stays even.

“You’re taking this too far!” You can hear the tears in his voice.

“Dave, I understand it’s a lot to take in, but I’m not playing a game.”

He’s practically yelling now, “Bro, stop! It’s not funny! This is sick!” He’s crying as he stands up, you follows suit scooting the coffee table back with your foot as you does giving you more space to move.

“You shouldn’t make this kind of shit up! This isn’t okay!” You sigh, spreading your arms. Before he has a chance to run, your arms are around his shoulders. He shoves you away. John’s death really sinking in. He runs. You don’t go after him. You know that there wouldn’t be a point because he wouldn’t listen to you. Instead you pull out your phone and call Rose. She’s the easiest for you to talk to.

“Hello?” She sounds like she’s been crying. You hear Jade in the background still sobbing loudly.

“I told Dave. He ran out of the apartment. He’s probably going to John’s house.”

“We’re already there. Jade requested that I be here with her, so I came.” That’s good there’ll be people over there.

“Is it okay if I go to be with Dave?”

“Of course it is. I know how much Dave means to you.” You smile a little.

“Okay, bye.”

“Goodbye.” You walk slowly to the door and down the steps. You want Dave to arrive there before you catch up with him. You don’t want to drive him somewhere farther away.

You still can’t believe that John’s gone though. It’s not like you really knew him that well, but Dave built his whole world around him, and you built yours around Dave. Right now the foundation’s breaking. You know what they say though, only the good die young. You can’t believe that this would happen though. Just a few hours earlier he’d been happy, talking with his cousin and having a great time. Now he’s gone. All it took was an instant.

You make it to the house within a couple minutes. You pull up and go up to the front door. It’s opened and you see the face of a grieving Mr. Egbert. You hadn’t even thought about what he must be going through right now. He motions for you to come in and you scan the room, but don’t see the one you’re looking for. Moments later Grandpa Harley comes in behind you carrying a sleeping Dave with a tear stained face. He sits him down on the couch.

Jade looks at him from the floor where she’s been sitting since you’ve walked in. She crawls over and takes his hand and whispers something lightly. You feel out of place here. You’re the only one here who didn’t truly get the chance to know John. You know the first thing you need to do though. Something you’ve only done one other time. You hug Mr. Egbert. He returns it and you feel the shoulder of your shirt start to get damp. He’s a silent crier. You found that out when his wife passed.

You stand in the doorway with him letting him cry. You wish in the back of your mind that this would’ve been how Dave reacted. Been open with you and cried. Your thoughts turn back over to the man you’re hugging. He must feel in some way that it’s his fault. When something like this happens the parents always want to blame themselves for what happened. You really hope that they ended on a happy note though or else he’s going to feel regret for the rest of his life. You’re sure it’s probably been on the news and that the students at school are probably going to be told tomorrow morning. You don’t want Dave to go. He’s not dealing with that.

You truly just want Mr. Egbert to be okay right now though. For now Dave’s fine because he’s sleeping, but Mr. Egbert’s going to really need support. You lead him over to the kitchen where he sits down. You and Jake on either side of him. He looks over at Dave.

“Should we wake him?”

“No, I think we should let him sleep. We’ll talk with him about it more tomorrow when he gets up,” Jake said in a voice filled with tears but without actually crying.

“He didn’t take it too well the first first time. He thought I was playing a game with him,” You reply. You know he’s woken up. You don’t say anything about it.

“DiStri, that’s cause you and him are constantly back and forth with those mental games. He just doesn’t want to accept the fact that his boyfriend’s gone. It’s normal. E’rybody deals with pain in their own way. He’ll deal with it as soon as he’s ready to.” You hadn’t even noticed Roxy in the kitchen. Though it makes sense she has wine and Mr. Egbert would hate that to spill onto his carpet.

“I can’t help feeling that it’s my fault. If I wouldn’t have let Bec out John wouldn’t have ran into the street in the first place.” Those words make your heart ache. She shouldn’t blame herself. You’re about to talk but Rose beats you to it.

“Jade, you shouldn’t blame yourself. It was an accident. It could’ve happened to anyone really.” He rolls over to face the back of the couch. Jade starts crying again; Rose too. Soon everyone but you and Roxy are. You sit there comforting him the best you can for the next couple of hours. Eventually a comment is made about how late it is. Jade and Rose have both fallen asleep on the floor. You help carry Rose to the car for Ms. Lalonde and Dave to your truck. Mr. Egbert gets into the passenger seat of Jake’s car and tells you all that the funeral planning is going to be tomorrow. Jake carries Jade out and puts her into the backseat of his car.

You follow Ms. Lalonde to her house first so you can carry Rose in for her. You do it quickly not wanting to leave Dave alone for too long. Once she’s in her bed you turn to Roxy and let your shades slip down your nose slightly so you look her in the eye.

“I’m going to tell you this one time and you’re going to follow my directions. No drinking.” She nods her head and you push your kamina shades back up onto your face. Then you leave. She watches you from the front door as you walk back to the truck and get in. You think back to prom and smile a little. She hasn’t changed bit since then. Not in how she looks or the way she talks even. She’s remained exactly the same in her perfect hourglass shape too. She’s just as beautiful. You’d never go down that road again though. You fucked that up already you don’t need a third kid to think about. You already have one who doesn’t think she belongs to you. You and Roxy both thought it was better that way. At least Dave’s your little brother, not your son.

Though Rose has turned out to be a very smart young lady. She’s skipped a grade even. Rose is younger then all of them. Very independent. You’re proud, and also almost home. Dave hasn’t even stirred again. It’s going to be a pain in the ass to get him up those stairs though. You guess you don’t mind. He’s really been going through hell.

After tons of effort you manage to haul his ass up all the stairs and lay him on the futon. You sit by his head and start stroking his hair. You can barely see his eyes through his shades. He opens them and stares at the ceiling. You start talking to him as if he were still sleeping.

“You’ve been through a lot lil’man. Huh?” You don’t put up the facade.

“God, I knew you weren’t gonna take it well, but I didn’t think that you were gonna run to his house and sit outside in the cold. Dave, I know you really fell hard for him. I know you really loved him, but you’re going to have to move past it eventually. I’m not expecting that from you since it just happened, but you can’t dwell on it for too long. Alright?” You pause and sighs.

“You know I fell for someone the same way you fell for John. I had a relationship with them, but it just didn’t go well ya’ know? I know it’s different, but it still hurt and I guess what I’m really trying to say is that well I don’t dwell on it anymore. I got over it, like you’re going to need to get over John. I understand that it hurts. I understand that it’s your first real love, but that shouldn’t haunt you for the rest of your life because you just can’t get over him.” You pause again and continue to stroke his hair.

“You really have been through a lot, and we’re all worried about you and Mr. Egbert. He’s staying with Jake and Jade. I don’t know how you’ve managed to stay asleep this whole time. I don’t really care though, because all I care about is you being okay. I know this is going to be rough for you. I know that it already is, but I’m going to try my best to make this easier on you. You aren’t going to school tomorrow. You don’t need that shit from anyone. I really am worried about you though. I mean lately you’ve been so independent. As proud as I am of you growing up, I know that you’re still just a kid. Dave, you’re my little brother. I’m proud that you’ve done so well in life so far, but I know that you still need someone there for you. Without John, I know you feel like no one’s there, but remember before John. How when things got really bad, you’d come to me. You still can. You’ve always been able to come to me. I’m still here, I’ll always be here when you need me to be. All I want is you to be able to heal. Hell, Jade almost killed the poor teenager that was driving the car. Well, after she was over her shock.” You sigh again. This is slowly killing you on the inside.

“Kid, I know you’re awake. You don’t have to act.” He holds his breath momentarily then sits up. You look each other square in the shades and you open your arms for him again offering him a hug.

“Don’t run this time.” It’s killing you to see him hurt like this. You’ve never wanted anything bad to happen to him. He takes off his shades and you give him a small sad smile. He buries his face into your shoulder stretching at an uncomfortable looking angle. You just care that he’s letting you be there for him instead of walling everything away even though it’s what you taught him.

You hug him tightly to yourself and silently wish that you hadn’t. You love watching him smile or laugh or even the sad beauty of him crying. You love to watch him just feel, but you never get to see that. He doesn’t stop himself from crying now though. You know he’d rather have John here, but right now if John were to show up perfectly fine, you’d have to punch him in the face for what he put Dave through so far.

You take off your shades, and after that there’s a solid at least fifteen minute session of him solidly crying. He eventually stops and looks up at you. For once in a long time your creamsicle orbs meet his ruby ones without obstruction of either of your shades.

“Ya know, if you ever wanna talk about any of this I’m here. If you just want to cry, I can be here for that too.” He smiles at you and shifts to give you room to sit fully and you do.

“So, what do ya wanna talk about?”

“I don’t know,” He wipes his eyes while sighing, “I just really don’t know. I mean John meant, and still means the world to me. I don’t know how to describe what we had together.” You look at him sympathetically.

“You really fell hard for him.” He nods his head.

“He made me so light headed. I could swear that he was able to ride the wind and he took me with him.” You smile a little, thinking about Roxy and how she’d made you feel like that. You swear it couldn’t have really been that long ago.

“Yeah, love can really be a poison sometimes. It’s always the sweetest of any though.” The alcohol that she drank. She quit for the sake of Rose as soon as she could she was drinking again though. That was her only flaw. He tilts his head back and looks at the ceiling after you say that.

“Some would call love a poison, I call it a blessing,” He looks back at you sitting up again, “Bro, I still want him to be here.” You drape your arm around his shoulders and rub his shoulder lightly.

“We all do Dave.”

“What about the funeral?” You see the tears begin to fill up his eyes again. You were really hoping that you were going to be able to get him off of that track. You just don’t want to talk about it.

“The plans haven’t been made for that yet. They’re going to be made tomorrow afternoon.” He nods his head soon after resting it on your shoulder.

“It’s going to be okay lil’ man.” The tears spill over and run down his cheeks. You know he wants to believe you, but you know he won’t.

“It really is. It’s the end of the world for now, but years from now it will be just a sad memory. You’ll be fine.” You pull him into you again the tears really coming on now. You try your best to stop from crying too, but you know that he felt the tear that hit his forehead. He cries slightly harder after that and you clench your jaw trying not to cry anymore. He stands up and slowly sulks away to his room. You follow fairly close behind, whether he was aware of that or not. You stop at his doorway and he moves to his bed and curls up under the covers still fully clothed. He begins crying quietly and you walk the rest of the way to him and climb into his bed behind him. Slowly over time he stops crying and goes to sleep.

That’s when you cry hardest, knowing that he won’t hear you. You whisper little things into the silent air. Mostly things that you regret.

You wake up and stretch a little then get up. He smells like grass like he always did when he was a little kid. He can’t be disheveled like this when you go today. You get up and walk out of the room and across the hall to the bathroom. You turn on the shower and walk back in placing a hand on his shoulder to wake him. He turns over and looks you in the eye. You see those rubies started to cloud over with sadness.

“C’mon, go take a shower,” He gets up slowly, dragging his feet as he makes his way to the bathroom. You see him start to cross the threshold into the bathroom and you walk to the other side of the apartment and into your room. You turn on the shower in your bathroom.

While waiting for the shower to warm up you walk back to check on Dave. He’s locked the door. Part of you says pick the lock, another part wants to trust in him that he won’t do anything irrational. You side with picking the lock. When you open the door silently, he’s already in. You hear him whispering to himself about something. You get slightly closer and you hear him clearly now.

“I’ve promised not to love anyone else the way I loved, and still love, you.” He’s been talking like John could hear him. Your chest aches at the thought of what he just said. You honestly have to wonder just how far they went. You walk out of the room locking it back behind you and back to the now hot shower in your bathroom. You strip and step under the searing spray of water.

Your thoughts drift into things that you know Dave would never talk to you about. You know they’ve kissed, you’ve walked in on them making out. How far have they gone though? Was he Dave’s first? For fuck’s sake he’s seventeen you know that something probably happened and that just makes the whole situation worse. This was his first real relationship like this with anyone and if they got that intimate with each other then that’s just going to make things all the harder on him.

You clean yourself quickly knowing that you have to get out before Dave so you can run up to the store. You’re going to be making chili dip for him. You’d make chili but it’s just too hot for that right now. Finishing with your shower you dry off and place your shades back on your face before you move out of the bathroom and into your room.

You grab a white shirt and a pair of black jeans. Slipping on your boxers before putting both of the articles of clothing on. You towel dry your hair then run a brush through it, and gel it all into your signature hair style. Placing on your hat on your head, you quickly make your way out of the apartment and down the stairs. You run up the street and grab everything that you need. A package of cream cheese, and some cheddar cheese shredded. You had picked up the Skyline chili mix and left it to start thawing already.

You pay at the front and hurry back. You place everything on the counter by the stove and pull out the dish that you use to make this. You keep a spot open for Dave and turn on the oven for it to preheat. You start opening everything up.

You hear the bathroom door open and turn to look at the fridge. You quickly remove the swords from them and dump them all into your room and come back. You start patting the cream cheese out into the bottom of the pan when Dave walks into the kitchen. He heads for the fridge first and gets some apple juice.

“What are you making?” He already knows. You make the same hine whenever he’s upset.

“Chili Dip. It’s going to be about twenty minutes, Dave.” He sits on the counter next to the stove where you had the space cleared out for him. You can see the stress in everything that he does. He’s really trying his best to stay calm and hide it all but he can only hide so much. You pour the chili mix into the pan followed by a decent amount of cheese.

“Cool.” You can almost see the the things that he’s thinking right now.

“Do you wanna go today?” You’re asking, but you already knows what his answer’s going to be.

“If I’m aloud to I guess I’ll go.” You place the chili dip into the oven and set the timer. Then you look directly at him, he can’t see your eyes because you have your shades on too.

“But do you want to go?”

“Yeah,” He responds quietly and looks down at the floor. You can see that he’s thinking about it all again. You’re glad that he’s slowly accepting that John’s gone. You don’t want him to live in denial for too long.

You place a hand on his shoulder, but he doesn’t look up at you. “It’s gonna be okay kid. It’ll get better.” You see him clench his jaw. He stands up you let your hand fall off of his shoulder.

“Should I dress nicer?”

“I’d say to go ahead and put on something nice. Not too nice though.” He gives a slight nod and then slinks off to his room. You need to make a phone call to Roxy.

When you pass by the futon Dave’s phone is buzzing like a hive of bees. You pick it up and call for him. You walk into his room and he meets you at the doorway wearing a dress shirt and black jeans. Looks nice enough to you. He takes his phone and you head on to your room. Picking up your phone out of the bathroom where you left it, you scroll down and call Roxy. Before you do you make a quick stop to add the second layer of cheese to the chili dip.

“Hey,” She sounds sober. That’s good.

“Hey, do you still need me to pick you and Rose up today?”

“Yeah, I’d really appreciate it.”

“Okay, just wanted to make sure. Also, how’s Rose handling this?” You can hear the smile that she has on her face.

“She’s doing well. She really looks like a young lady today. I guess you’re going to get to see that though,” You nod a little.

“Yeah, I have to go check on Dave. I don’t want to leave him alone for too long.”

“Understandable. I’ll see you later Dirk.” you smile at her calling you by your real name.

“Later,” You walk back across the apartment not dressed up yet because you aren’t going to until before it’s time to go. You don’t want to get anything on your clothes.

You walk into his room to find him sobbing into his hands. You move over to him and place a hand onto his shoulder. “It’s going to be okay.” You turn the chair so he’s facing you completely and you know that you’re frowning.

“Bro, no it’s not! It’s not going to be ok! He’s...he’s...” He hunches over and sobs loudly into his hands and his body shakes as he does. You feel yourself breaking on the inside.

“I don’t want him to be gone! I promised him I’d never let anything happen bad happen to him and I failed him! For all I know he was sitting there holding on for as long as he could so he could say goodbye and I never showed up! He was laying in a hospital bed waiting for me to show up and be his knight in shining armor and I never showed!” He isn’t even trying to stop himself from crying. The tears are flowing like water from behind a broken dam.

You can’t bear to see him like this. You try your hardest not to, but seeing this breaks your heart. You cry, everything else about your mask is up and unbreakable, but you’re crying.

“Dave...” Your voice wavers, and your breathing is slightly shaky. You can see the look in his eye. He doesn’t believe that he’s actually seeing you show this kind of emotion. You understand that you’ve never really shown anything like this to him before, but he’s looking at you like you’re a robot showing emotion. You aren’t a robot though. You feel more than he realizes you do.

“He’s gone. He’s gone. He’s gone,” He slowly brings his voice down into a whisper. He looks down and your chest aches. He’s said it now. He’s openly admitted that John’s gone. From what you can see of his face, you see the defeat in his features. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. The five stages of grief. You know he’s been passing through them.

You put your arms around him and rest your face on his shoulder. He’s unresponsive to you which hurts more. You grind your teeth in an attempt to stop crying which barely helps. It’s a family trait for you all to do that. When you were younger, you watched your mother do that. You’ve seen Dave do it too. You’re breath is shaky and you wish you could hold it all back, but you really can’t. You can’t believe how much pain Dave’s in. You really just want to take it all away from him. You’d rather to suffer than let him.

“D-dave, it’s going to be okay. Alright? It’s going to...it’s going to be okay,” You just stuttered, fuck. You’re really doing a shitty job of keeping yourself together. Though hearing it, did the trick. He hugs you back and cries onto your shoulder. It’s nice to know that he’s feeling comfortable enough to cry with you, not alone.

You hear the oven timer go off and reluctantly go to tend to the chili dip. Dave falls into step not far behind you. He sits on the kitchen counter next to the stove once you’re in there. It’s really nice to have Dave this close again. While you’re proud of his independence, you’ve still missed him.

You ask him to grab the chips and he hops down from the counter and grabs the them. You pull out the chili dip and sit it on the counter. You then both head over to the couch where you flick on the TV. You know he isn’t going to watch it but you want the noise. You also want him to start talking again.

He’s been looking down almost the whole time. You finally notice that he’s finding it entertaining to watch the stupid people on the screen bitch about their problems. You don’t do the normal bullshit with irony, instead you just honest to god make fun of it. With both of your masks down, you hear Dave laugh. An honest, hardy, true laugh. It makes you smile like you did at him when he was little and for the first time took your shades off your face. He had giggled, then put your shades on his face. You feel warm now, knowing that for the next few hours he can be one thing and one thing only.

Your little brother.

Sadly every golden moment must end. Those hours pass too quickly for you. No matter how much you try now to hold on to those shreds as Dave places his shades back onto his face. You tried your hardest to savor each moment, and to make it last but it all falls apart when it’s time to go. You can see it the whole way to the car.

He perks up when he becomes familiar with the route that you’re on. “Why are we going to Rose’s house?” You make a left turn onto a one way street.

“We’re picking up Rose and her mom to drive them there.”

His voice raises slightly, “Ms. Lalonde isn’t going to this if she’s drunk.” You give him a quick side glance out of how defensive he got.

“She isn’t drunk, she just hasn’t driven in so long because she’s wasted almost all the time.” He calms down a bit. “She’s also going to be taking the front seat from you.”

“Kay.” You go to the end of the one way street and takes a right onto their street. He’s already unbuckling his seatbelt even before they’re walking towards the car. He waits to get out until Roxy is walking around the front and he opens the door for her. You take note of the pity smile she gives him; how another piece of him internally crumbles.

He opens the door for Rose as well. No one besides Roxy notices that you watch Rose. She really looks grown up today. You take a harder look at Dave, and you realize how much of an adult he’s become too. You smile again and turn back around to face the road.

You memorized the directions already. It isn’t very far either, and you arrive before Mr. Egbert. You all turn to look at Dave, who none of you want to snap out of his reverie. None of you want make him get out before he’s ready. Rose places a delicate hand onto his arm he takes a look at all of you.

He watches as the truck pulls up next to you; he waits. Once Mr. Egbert is out he opens his door. He walks slowly and respectfully towards him. They stand and look at eachother for a moment before nodding and hugging. They nod again once they pull away. You see, but don’t hear, Mr. Egbert whisper something to Dave. To which Dave smiles and walks next to him up the steps and inside. Then lingers at the door and grabs Rose and Jade. They stay behind while the rest of you continue to walk.

You don’t pay attention the whole time for the part you were in there. Midway through, Rose comes and gets you to comfort Dave who’s broken down again. You excuse yourself, and go sit next to Dave on the floor of the men’s bathroom. You can see the sickness on him. You can see some of the throw up on his shirt, and you can smell it when he speaks. You know it wasn’t the chili dip either. He’s sick and he feels sick with the fact that John’s gone. You know that in some twisted way he blames himself.

You run a hand through his hair. He gets up and runs for the toilet; leaning over it you hear him puke. You stand up and walk over to him, gently placing a hand on his back. He rests his forehead against the edge of the toilet seat and starts sobbing. He never got over being afraid of getting sick like this. The current situation doesn’t help either.

You scratch his scalp and wait for him to calm down. Once he feels ready you get him up and you walk him out. You’re thankful for the automatic flushing so you don’t have to worry about that. When you get out there everyone is waiting. Jake looks more downcast when he sees Dave. You can tell that he’s identified it as greif.

Together you and Dave manage to convince them that is was just bad food. Jake still isn’t buying it. He holds his tongue though and once everyone else is in their respective cars he pulls you aside.

“He’ll resist, but therapy will help,” You nod parting ways with him. He shakes your hand, passing a small slip of paper to you. You nod once more and leave. Roxy has taken the backseat with Dave. She’s dealt with a barfing kid before you trust her with Dave. She’s one of the few people you trust to take care of Dave. Technically Roxy and Rose are family. The other person you trusted Dave to was John. The list is short. Very, very short because you don’t want him getting hurt.

_You love your little brother. You love him like a son._


	8. An Offer You Can't Pass Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long you guys. I've just felt so unmotivated and a lot of crazy stuff has happened with my friends so I've been busy! On the upside I might get the chance to be in a play! Well here you go! <3 Hope you enjoy it!

You stand and look at Mr. Egbert. You both nod before briefly hugging. When you both pull away a silent “I’m sorry for your loss,” is passed between the two of you causing you both to nod again. It’s then that he whispers something to you. It’s then that he makes you the offer, which lets you know that at least one person can read that you’re feeling that way.

You smile and accept. Then you both walk side by side up the stairs and into the building. The smell is so artificial that it almost makes you sick. You linger at the door for Rose and Jade and then you pull them aside and let the adults keep walking. They don’t question it. You knew they wouldn’t. You sit with them right outside the front door. You all talk and it’s really nice.

“We all know it happened I mean really Dave, but come on just tell us the story!” You can’t believe Jade’s actually asking you to do this. Yes, you've all been talking about him, but really?  Rose sees that this is going to be a little hard on you to talk about, but you start speaking before she can say anything about it.

“Alright, if you really want to know that bad. You know how me and John liked to go on walks?” She nods her head and you continue.

“Well, one night we were out on a walk, and we were doing the stupid thing where you ask each other ridiculous questions. Well, it was John’s turn and once he was done laughing he asked me and I quote ‘why me?’.” You lean back and look up at the sky and smile.

“To be honest, I threw him a glance because I wasn't really sure what he meant. I was being a little dense. He rolled his eyes, and then he spelled it out for me. ‘You could've gotten anyone you wanted, why me?’ I still find it funny how he thought that. Though I replied with the sappiest answer I think I could’ve. ‘Because you're the only one that I want.’ He blushed just the prettiest shade of pink. Then I went on a small tangent about he was the only one who made me feel like this, and just how perfect I thought he was. Ending with me telling him that I loved him. I'll freely admit that my cheeks were pink too.” You watch the clouds change shape, and you swear you see his initials for a second.

“We had stopped under one of the streetlamps. It’s the third one from the corner on his street. Well, his cheeks had turned a bright red, and he stuttered out my name, but trailed of whatever he was going to say next and instead he wrapped his arms around my neck and kissed me. I was in shock for a few seconds, but I came to and wrapped my arms around his waist. He had opened his mouth slightly and when he did he cut my lip on his braces.” You smile wider and laugh a little feeling the tears start to well up a little, behind your shades.

“He said that he was sorry and he freaked out like I wasn't going to love him anymore or something. I told him that it was okay, but he still looked like he was really beating himself up over it. So I kissed his cheek and rubbed off the small amount of blood and told him that it was alright. We walked the rest of the way to his house holding hands.” That’s when you feel the first tear spill over and run down your face. You close your eyes and just let the rest come it hurts so right.

“When we got there he helped me clean up the cut. It was already late, and we were both tired. So we went up to bed and he curled into me. While I was thinking about it, I had realized that he never said I love you too. Though when I looked down at him already sleeping in my arms. The first thought that came to my mind. He didn't need to. I could tell by the way he blushed and by the way that he kissed me, I knew.” Your smile widens as you think about every other precious moment and milestone you had with him. You keep crying with your eyes closed and you can see his face like it’s been tattooed to the back of your eyelids. His smiling happy face, the way his shoulders are set apart, his pale chest, and his prominent collarbone with marks that you had recently left on it. That must've been interesting to explain.

_You feel sick._

Why does he have to be gone? Why couldn't you have _saved him_ or at least  _been there?_

You lean forward and throw up. You hear Jade and Rose gasp as you stand up and run into the men’s room. You still feel sick, but you do your best to hold it back and you sit on the floor. You take off your shades and put them into your pocket. When Bro walks in you know how pitiful you look. He sits down next to you and he tries to get you to talk to him a little. He runs a hand through your hair and you feel the next round of sickness coming.

You bolt for the toilet, and start throwing up. It’s always scared you when you did, and you feel yourself shaking. When you feel Bro’s hand on your back you calm down a little but you start sobbing. He scratches your scalp which helps to eventually calm you down enough to leave the bathroom. Before you do you slip your shades back onto your face.

When you get out there everyone is waiting. Jade and Rose give you a small look of pity, but you convince everyone that it was bad food. It doesn’t look like Grandpa Harley is buying it too much. You shrug it off and don’t really care. I mean what’s he going to do? Though when you all get into your respective cars he pulls Bro aside. You want to know what they’re saying but you’re too exhausted to ask right now.

Ms. Lalonde sits with you in the backseat. She does the same kind of things as Bro. Rubs your back, and gives you a plastic bag that she had in her purse, just in case. You don’t throw up again, though, and when Rose and Ms. Lalonde get out of the car, you move into the front seat.  Bro drives home a little slower than normal. He really doesn’t want to upset your stomach anymore.

When you finally get home, Bro gives you a pillow and a blanket and you lay down on the futon. He sits at the other end by your feet. You look at his profile while he scrolls through his phone. He pulls out a small slip of paper and then he enters a number into his phone. You nudge him gently with your foot and he looks over at you.

“What’s that?” You ask quirking an eyebrow at him.

“A phone number,” You frown. That isn’t really the answer you were looking for.

“Well thank you captain obvious.” You know you’re being a little pissy, but you don’t really care.

“You’re welcome lieutenant sarcasm.” He smirks, and you feel a small sense of normalcy and it feels a little good. Though, that just let’s you know he isn’t going to actually tell you.

“Hey, how do you feel about seeing a grief counselor?”

“Oh hell no.” Like hell you’re going to let him or anyone take you to a “grief counselor”. You know that’s just a fancy name for a therapist. You aren’t going to let anyone take you to one. You aren’t crazy and you don’t need any help.

“I thought I’d ask,” He leans up and picks up the tv remote. He flicks it on for ambient noise and then props his feet up on the coffee table. He leans his head back and you’re pretty sure he closes his eyes. You can’t help but to follow suit. You fall into sleep, and once more John surfaces in your mind.

\------------------------------------

He asked to turn on a song that he had found recently and really likes. You hand him the XBox controller and get up to go get you both some more apple juice. You guys had been flipping through some funny videos on youtube that some SBaHJ fans had made. It makes you more inclined to pick the comic back up. Who are you kidding no it doesn’t, you have a real life now and he’s sitting on your couch. You walk back in and sit down next to him. You place an arm around his shoulders and he happily takes the juice you offer him.

“Thanks Dave,” he smiles as he takes a sip. You’re about to comment on how precious he is when the song starts playing. It is the most cheesy, obviously for a slow dance, love song you think you’ve ever heard. When you look over at him, he’s mouthing the words the same he does whenever you watch ConAir with him. You smile and sit your both of your cups onto the coffee table. After scooting the table aside, you turn to face him and extend a hand. He blushes and his mouth gapes open slightly. You smile even wider and bend over to take his hand and you lead him out to the middle of the living room. You start slow dancing with him, and he’s tripping all over himself with nervousness. You laugh a little.

“Just put your feet on mine.” He does as you tell him and you lead him in dance. He rests his head on your shoulder with his arms around your neck, your hands on his waist. He looks up at you and slips your shades off your face. You let him happily. You told him that as long as you were alone together he could take your shades off whenever he wanted to, and you meant it. He rests his head back on your shoulder again, and you see him close his eyes. You rest your cheek on his head and you just keep swaying to the rhythm.

When he moves his head to look up at you, you move yours. He looks you in the eye and smiles. You can’t help how you smile back. He bites his lip before leaning up and kissing you. His lips soft and sweet, you kiss back gently, bringing one of your hands up to his cheek. He opens his mouth, inviting your tongue in; an invitation that you gladly accept. Gettting you rewarded with a small moan.

“So, can’t say I’m surprised.” John jumps away from you and you look over to see Bro standing right there. You reach over and grab your shades from John’s hand and slip back onto your face. It helps you to keep your cool and bring up the poker face up even though you’re freaking the fuck out on the inside. Plus 10 cool points for keeping composure. Minus 20 for not having shades on.

“Don’t even try to pretend that didn’t just happen. I know what an intimate kiss looks like, and that’s exactly what I walked in on.” You manage to summon up some courage on the spot. If you keep your cool, then hopefully John will calm the fuck down.

“So?” You place your arm around John’s shoulders. He curls into you a little, clearly uncomfortable and a little scared about what’s about to happen.

“How long has this been a thing?” He gestures at you and John. You see John turn a darker shade of red.

“A little less than two years.” Bro nods.

“Cool, just for now keep it PG-13. Also, heads up since you probably aren’t out to his dad, you might want to keep track of the time because if you’re going to be dancing in the middle of the living room you might want to make sure that you don’t accidentally end up doing it when he comes home from work.” John nods, and then actually says something.

“Are you going to tell my dad?” He looks so nervous and you can feel the way he tenses up when he asks it. Bro shakes his head and you feel some of that tension leave.

“Nah, that’s your choice when you tell him.” John sighs and nods his head.

“Thanks Mr. Strider.” Bro smirks and walks towards his room. He adds as an afternote when he gets to the door.

“Also, you can still crash over here and lil’ man you can still go stay over there. I don’t care. Just remember PG-13.” He closes the door to his room and you smirk. The PG-13 train has already left the station. You turn and kiss John’s forehead.

“You okay?” He nods nervously. You know how scared he is about his dad finding out. You think you have just the thing for that.

“Go on to my room. I’m going to turn off the XBox and grab our cups.” He nods again and walks into your room. You quickly turn off the XBox and move the coffee table back into place. Picking up the cups, you walk into your room. John is shaking, and you sit the cups down on the side table. Afterwards closing the door and locking it. You know if Bro really wanted to get in he could, but you also know it makes John feel a little bit better.

“You sure you’re okay?” He nods his head again.

“Just a little shaken up.” You nod and walk over and sit down next to him, then scoot around behind him.

“What are you do- mmmmm~” You start massaging his shoulders and he melts into your touch. You know how to make him relaxed and happy.

“Just calm down. It’s going to be okay.” He nods and hums happily. You smile, you love making him happy.

\------------------------------------

You blink your eyes open with a smile and tears running down your cheeks. Bro has a hand on your shoulder and he’s looking at you concerned.

“You okay?” You sit up and hug him.

“Everything’s fine.” He hugs you back, and when you both let go he takes a seat next to you.

“You sure?” You nod your head.

“You remember when you walked in and found me and John kissing in the living room?” He smiles and nods his head. You take off your shades because walls are gone right now. He does the same and laughs a little.

“I actually walked in a little before that when you guys were still dancing. It was just so perfect that I didn’t want to ruin it for you. The only reason that I intervened when I did was because it started getting a little too intimate.” Now it was your turn to laugh.

“Also, you guys really weren’t as sneaky as you thought you were. I knew before then.” You look at him confused.

“How? the only ones we told were Jade and Rose.”

“No one had to tell me for it to be obvious. I mean, did you really think I didn’t hear the very light moans that had come from your room once or twice.” You turn red.

“I hadn’t thought you’d noticed because you didn’t say anything.”

“Oh come on, be real.” You nod your head because he does have a good point.

“Yeah, John could be vocal," you admit.

“I’ve had vocal lovers before. Not a lot you can do.” You try to laugh it off the best you can. You can’t help the blush on your cheeks by the thought of John the first time you made love. You had him screaming your name. It’s still the hottest thing you think you’ve ever seen.

Bro smirks. “So, what happened in your dream?” You smile.

“Well, it’s actually about the day me and John were dancing,” He chuckles

"Just like I wasn’t surprised then, I’m not surprised now.” Your smile widens and you lean your head back staring at the ceiling.

“We were looking at videos on youtube, and he had asked to show me a song that he had found.”

“Wait then let me guess. He moved our coffee table and was the one who started the dance even though he was stepping on your feet.” You laugh, a good, hardy, full laugh. It feels _so_ good. You look over at Bro, then back up at the ceiling.

“Not quite. I went to get us drinks and when I sat down it started playing. It was so perfectly cheesy, and he was mouthing the words to it like the adorable little derp he is,” You frown slightly, “Was. The adorable little derp he was.” You sigh and close your eyes.

Bro places a hand on your shoulder. You don’t move. You swear that this past tense _is_ really going to kill you. You smile though, thinking once more about the offer Mr. Egbert gave you. It would just make everything be better. When you calm down enough to keep talking with him, he looks like he’s happy that you’re smiling rather than balling your eyes out while talking about this.

“Well, I just couldn’t resist ya know? So I moved the coffee table aside and danced with him. He was tripping all over himself, that’s why his feet were on mine. I had told him to do it.” Looking back up at the ceiling you remember how happy he made you feel.

“Well, it was really sweet.” You smile wider, thinking of John’s bright blue eyes and pale soft skin. How his lips always tasted like his blueberry chapstick. Your stomach growls and you and Bro both laugh a little.

“Hungry?” You close your eyes and nod.

“Can we order a pizza?” John’s already dancing on the inside of your eyelids. The second that it stops being him though, and instead becomes words you open them and have to ask.

“Sure,” As Bro’s standing up you grab his arm and look him in the eye.

“Who did it though? No one ever told me,” He swallows, afraid of something. You think you know what it is too.

“I’m not telling you,” You do know. He’s afraid of you knowing who it is; of you hurting them. Which you will, unless it’s too conflicting with your plans. That aside though, you feel like you deserve to know.

“Why?” You question him anyway.

“Because you’re still an emotional trainwreck, and we both know what you’ll do when you find out,” He’s really dead set on not telling you. You can find a way around that though. You’ll just ask Jade about it.

“Though I’d be willing to tell you if you went and saw a grief counselor,” Your hand falls limp to your side. You really can’t believe he would do something this low.

“I’d rather not know if those are my options,” He nods and walks into the kitchen, pulling out his phone and dialing the number as he does. It almost feels like you just got slapped by him. You know he means well, but there’d be no point of you even going and hurting the person. It’s not like a lot of this is even going to be a problem for you soon.

_Should you tell him what you’re thinking of doing? Should you tell him what Mr. Egbert offered you?_

No. It’s not like things are going to get any better, so why suffer here? For _Bro’s_ sake? You don’t think it’s really worth it. Though what would happen when someone found you? _Would_ it be Bro? Or would it be Jake, or Jade or Rose? Would John be there waiting for you on the other side; arms open wide?

You mull over all your options. From seeing the therapist, to the offer you were given. Bro doesn’t bother you while you do, and you’re happy that he doesn’t. You just really need to think about what you’re going to do. You need to put time into this, and you need to really be sure about what you want to do, before you actually do it. Deciding on a method of how to do that and standing up without words to Bro, who was still standing in the kitchen on the phone, you make your way into your room. Momentarily thinking about texting Jade, but discarding the idea when you see your turntable.

You have a sad smile on your face when you step into of it. Turning it on, you lay down the basic beat you want. Hearing the mix and just letting your hands do what they’ve been trained to do. You can hear your own internal conflict. You let the music work out your problems, and show you the way. You let it guide you in the right direction; to the right path; the right choice. Just like Bro had taught you to.

When all is said and done you have an answer. Feeling better, and less indecisive, you decide to text Jade. However when you take out your phone, which has been on mute, you see 4 texts from Rose, and 2 from Jade.

TT: I hope you feel better.

TT: Dave, it’s been a few hours are you alright?

TT: I hate to sound like an overly clingy girlfriend, however I am starting to get worried about you. Jade is as well.

TT: Please respond when you do read this

You figure it would be good to respond to her.

TG: yeah im here went to sleep after i got home i dont feel like talking right now though

TT: Alright, I’m just glad to know that you’re okay.

You go and check your messages for Jade next. It seems like she’s more laid back than Rose was about you not being there for a little while.

GG: hey dave i hope you feel better and that you arent too sick :(

GG: you fell asleep didnt you?? guess i cant be upset rest up and feel better

TG: sup harley i need to know something

GG: sure dave

TG: i need the name

GG: of who

TG: the person who did it

GG: are you sure you really want that

TG: why else would i ask for it

GG: i dont know maybe you were testing me

TG: on what

GG: how should i know how your cool kid antics work :P

TG: youre changing the subject

TG: cmon name harley

GG: well fine i guess ill give it to you even though my phone is dying and could turn off at any second

TG: ok

GG: like seriously it could just switch off any moment now

TG: so plug it in and give me the name

GG: i lost my charger

TG: harley youre starting to hurt my feelings that you seem to think that im really this dumb

GG: oh my phone died so i cant give you the name now sorry

TG: well this was sufficiently frustrating

You turn your phone off and toss it on your bed. It’s really starting to piss you off that no one wants to tell you who did it. This is just complete bullshit that they would hide this from you. You have to wonder if they’re hiding it from Mr. Egbert too. The temptation is great to turn your phone back on and ask him, but you know Jade is spamming your messages right about now so you don’t. Instead you go back out there and sit on the futon next to Bro again. Tension is still high. You really don’t know what to do or say as you slip your shades back onto your face.

You just sit. Sit and wait.


	9. The Dreadful Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's short, but it's just so emotionally intense (for me personally writing it at least) so I thought it might be better to leave it short.

Days have been blurred.

 

You’ve slept more than usual, your dreams now slipping away from the happy times with John. They’re turning into different scenarios where you showed up to say goodbye. Where you had been there to stop him. Jade’s dog still doesn’t mean as much to everyone as John did. It would’ve been hard, but not as hard as this.

 

However, on occasion, they’re nightmares. You see it happen. Your mind makes it slightly worse each time. Slightly more blood, slightly more mangled of a body, slightly more gruesome of a death for him. You’re really starting to hate this. You just want it to end.

 

It starts. You sit and fight the urge to tell the kids from school who didn’t even know him to leave. This is something that you never wanted to go to. At least the body doesn’t totally look different. It’s also not as scary as you thought it’d be to see it. Only heart wrenching. Somehow, he’s managed to keep the corner of his lips turned slightly up like he always did. Even in death, John Egbert is as perfect as the first day you saw him.

 

You don’t pay attention, you just stare at his body. His now lifeless and cold body. You remember how much he hated being cold, and how he always cuddled up into you because you were always warm. You loved the way that he would nuzzle your side, the way he giggled, and the way that he was always happy even when he was sad.

 

His father steps up to say a few words. That’s when you start listening.

 

“You know, most people here are never going to have to do something like this. I’ve lost my wife, and that was hard. Though now I know, that nothing is harder than losing your child.” He takes a small pause wiping his eyes.

 

“John was my son, and not just a son but a light. He was a candle, whose flame grew brighter everyday. When I wanted to fall apart after my wife’s passing, it was John that always gave me that good kick to let me know I didn’t have that option. I loved, and still love my son in the way every father should. I always tried my best to be supportive and to guide him in the right direction. As far as I knew he was happy. Which is the one thing that I always wanted for him. While I’m still not ready to say goodbye, the time has come for me to.” He turns to John and smiles a sad smile. With tears in his eyes, he keeps speaking.

 

“Goodbye John. I love you son.” He takes his seat and after that the floor is open for anyone who wants to say a few words. You want to be the last one to go. You can’t help it. You want to make sure you don’t repeat what other people say. You don’t want what you say to sound generic. You told Rose and Jade this already. It was nice of them to understand.

 

Grandpa Harley stands up next. You have to tune it out after a certain point because you don’t want to cry. Not here. Later it will be okay, but not now. Jade stands, tears in her eyes already, and can barely get out what she has to say. Rose stands after her and begins to speak, graceful and slow. Tears in her eyes, and running down her cheeks. She keeps herself under control though, and speaks clearly almost like shes giving a presentation.

 

You thumb the note in your pocket just to make sure it’s still there. It’s important for what you’re going to do.

 

Rose sits, and when no one stands or makes a move to go speak, you do. You haven’t practiced this. You have no idea what you’re going to say, but you’re just going to let this happen. Standing at the front, you look out at the small sea of faces. You take a breath and start.

 

“Well, this is something I wish I didn’t have to do today or ever. John meant a lot to me. He’s the only person that I ever loved.” The tears start to well up in your eyes.

 

“He was the only person I knew that could manage to be happy even when he was sad. All he ever did was try to make other people happy, even though he was always such a shy person. John, well,  he was something that words can’t really describe. He wasn’t like this or like that he was just John Egbert. The only one that we’ll ever know.” You smile as the tears start running down your cheeks. This is the most emotion a lot of the people here will ever see from you.

 

“He made my heart flutter and dance. He always knew the right thing to say, and he was a dedicated, loyal, trustworthy person. He knew how to make someone feel like they were dancing in the air. Bring a smile to the lips of any person on even some of the worst days. I mean look at me. He’s got me smiling, on what so far is the worst day of my life.” You look at him again and you pull the two notes for everyone to see, even though they just see it as one.

 

“John and I passed notes, and this is the first note he ever passed to me. It was the day after I just had gotten the crap beaten out of me for being who I am. He passed this to me in the hall between classes. It says ‘even though things are bad, just remember that i love you’.” You look at Bro and he’s crying and smiling at you. He nods for you to keep going, and you do keeping your eyes on him as you speak.

 

“I carried this note around with me everyday for the next six months. It kept me from hurting a few kids, who are actually here today. After that though, I hung it on the clothesline that I hang the pictures I take on. I kept it there, so I always had it just in case I needed this little reminder. I know today I did.” You take your eyes away from Bro and look down, the tears just keep flowing.

 

“Though, I think John might need it today more.” You walk over and slip the notes underneath his hands.

 

“I love you John. Though, I’m never saying goodbye,” You go take your seat, shortly after taking off your shades to wipe your eyes properly. You get handed a box of tissues by some kid who was in your Algebra class freshman year. Jade and him exchange a glance that you don’t really understand and he leaves the tissue box with you. He takes his seat again, and it all continues. Bro scratches your scalp as you keep crying into your hands.

 

It’s time.

 

The funeral home empties out besides for Rose, Jade, Mr. Egbert, Grandpa, Bro, Ms. Lalonde, the staff and you. They staff explains how this is going to work and then it’s time for the casket to be closed. Before they do, Mr. Egbert leans down and hugs his son the best he can. You lean down and place one final kiss to his lips. They still taste like his chapstick.

 

Fighting back tears, you watch as the casket is closed. You, Mr. Egbert, Grandpa Harley, and Bro carry it out to the herse. You hate this. You just hate this. In the funeral procession there are only two cars. Bro is driving one, Grandpa Harley the other. You and Rose are in the backseat together.

 

She reaches over and grabs your hand, squeezing it tightly. You squeeze back and hold it like it’s the only keeping you alive right now. You think to yourself, that it is in a way. You can’t help but to wonder what it’s going to be like. If it’s really going to hurt, or be over so fast that you don’t even feel it.

 

You think about the other note that was folded within the one he had passed to you. What it said, and the different copies that you made for everyone. You know now for sure, who will find you. You have everything all planned out in your head. Exactly how it will go down. You don’t know if you can wait for everything to start. If you can’t wait you may deviate a little from the plan. If you can’t wait, or other circumstances arise.

 

It’s not a long drive before you’re at the cemetery. There’s another small ceremony before it’s time for him to be lowered. You’re crying again and you sit in the back seat once more until you drop off Rose and her mom. Then you’re in the front seat next to Bro. It’s a silent ride to the apartment.

  
You’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not home, because John’s not there. John was home. Everything is so hard without him here. Soon everything won’t be so hard. Soon, it will all be easier.

 

Soon it will all be over.


	10. Almost Home

It’s been a few weeks since the funeral, and you’re still feeling that pain. The kids at school haven’t helped either. They just keep reminding you of it. Some of them, by giving you what you now call _the look_ , which is just a glance of pity, and the true assholes by saying gays deserve to die. It’s the weekend and you’re happy. The weather has warmed up a little more over the past few weeks, and there are flowers blooming.

_April showers bring May flowers._

The words you learned in kindergarten come to your mind, and you grimace a little. There certainly were April showers this year. In more ways than just one.

Pushing the thoughts to the back of your mind you push open the door to Bro’s room wearing basketball shorts and a long sleeve hoodie.

“Mom?” He says groggily. It’s been so long since you’ve heard Bro say that word. It was like a silent agreement between you two not to say it. You didn’t mean to wake him up, but you really need to get something out of his room. Though now that he’s awake you’re going to use your other excuse that you had made up.

“Shit, sorry lil’ man. What’s up?” His tired concern is sweet and reminds you of when you were little. He would always wake up and let you come into his room on Saturday mornings and just snuggle up next to him under the blankets until he got up and got you food. You can’t really remember when that stopped though.

“I’m hungry,” You tell him, denying the slight childish whine to your voice. He groans in protest.

“Ten more minutes,” he rolls over. You can’t help the childish urge that you have. You climb into bed next to him and feel the warmth of his body next your yours. It’s comfortable, and safe to have Bro this close. All you need to do though is wait for him to fall asleep again, and be quieter so you can get what you need.

You pull back your hoodie sleeve and see that a little blood has soaked through the paper towels that you have wrapped around your arm. You wouldn't have cut if you had known that the only first aid kit was in Bro’s room. You tense and quickly pull the sleeve back up when Bro starts to slowly shift towards you. He smiles and brings a lazy hand up to ruffle your hair. It brings a smile to your face that isn't really genuine.

Smiling wider he sits up and stretches. “Alright, lets go eat some pancakes.”

You could make them yourself, but at the same time it’s easier if he just does it for you and it doesn’t really seem like he minds. He’s been keeping the shitty swords out of everything for the most part. On occasion you’ll see one or two just laying around, and it’s comforting to know that not everything has totally changed. Times have been more like you being a little kid again. He doesn’t want to leave you alone for too long, and you understand why. Look at what you’ve just done to your arm. If you can’t get the first aid kit from him, you know that you’re going to have some major problems.

Today’s going to be the day. You can feel it.

“Hey Bro?” He glances over at you and nods his head a little.

"What’s up?” He looks back down at the pancakes he’s making.

“Mr. Egbert invited me to go to his house. He’s got a box of some stuff of John’s that he’s not sure what to do with. Jade’s going to be over there too.” He’s actually giving it some thought, and taking into account how much this means to you. He’s trying his best to make the best decision possible.

“Alright, I’ll drive you over. I just want you to either stay there or go to Rose’s or Jade’s house once you’re done.” He doesn’t want you being alone and you don’t blame him. He’s been dropping you off at one of those two places when he goes to work or is going to be out for more than hour. It’s a little frustrating, it does give you a reason to be out of the house besides school though.

“What time?”

“Whenever,” he nods again and finishes cooking. Giving you the plate and the syrup you smile again. He sits down across from you and you both start eating. There’s been an awkwardness between you and Bro since the funeral. He keeps passive aggressively telling you that you should try going to the therapist. You’ve been trying to stay to yourself and he really won’t let you be alone for too long. You understand why he’s doing it all, but at the same time you almost hate him for it.

Once you’re both done eating, Bro goes back to bed. Well, only after he thinks you do. He tries to be awake at the same time you are, but because of the way you've been sleeping it’s hard for him to know when you’re going to be awake. You get up out of your bed and go into the bathroom.

Pulling back your hoodie sleeve, you see that the paper towels have a bit more blood on them than before but not much. You take them off and wash your arm. You see that the bleeding stopped, so you aren't going to need the first aid kit like you thought.

Moving back to your room, you sit down in front of your computer. You pull out the hand written notes that you had hidden in the cinder blocks holding up your computer “desk”. Reading over them, you don’t cry like you did when you first wrote them. They’re still slightly tear stained, and you signed them all in blood.

You take out the other piece of paper you have hidden. It’s your will. When you finally do it, you’re going to have all of these things with you.

You smile not only out of sadness, but because you’re genuinely excited and happy to be able to see John again. Those shining blue eyes, that beautiful pale skin, and his dorky yet wonderful smile.

You’ve never wanted anything more than this. You’ve always had everything be simple, yet oh so complicated. You’ve always just let things happen around you, but at the same time be in control and make them all happen. You’ve always had a strong feeling for what’s right and what’s wrong, even with the way that your older brother raised you. While it may have not been the best way, it was his way. That’s all that ever mattered to you. It was the fact that he tried, and whenever you really needed him he was there for you.

You feel a little ashamed that you’re taking the easy way out. You’re a Strider, and Bro’s taught you to handle your emotions better than that.

 _No he hasn’t._ Something in the back of your mind whispers. _He’s just taught you how to hide them, how to bottle them up inside. He taught you how to handle physical pain, not emotional. You never talk about the awful things that’ve happened. You don’t know what happened to your father, because Bro won’t tell you. You’re aren’t fully sure what happened to your mother, because Bro won’t tell you. You don’t know how to deal with any of this because Bro hasn’t told you how. It’s because he’s weak, not because you’re weak. He’s never been able to handle his own emotions, so he’s never been able to teach you how to handle yours._

You almost scream. You hate this! You hate feeling like this! You hate blaming other people for what you’re feeling. Though a sinking feeling settles in when you realize that your mind is right, even if your heart doesn’t want to believe it because you’ve loved Bro your whole life like the brother, and father figure that he’s been to you.You can’t help yourself when you unfold the note that you’re leaving for him, and read it.

Hey Bro. I know this is probably a really terrible day for you. Listen, it’s not your fault and not matter what you say you couldn’t have stopped me. I know how cliche and stupid it is that I’ve done this. This whole situation has been like another shitty Shakespeare play. What I did though, wasn’t for irony. It wasn’t to try to be cool. Most of all, it wasn’t to get attention. I’m sorry that I’ve taken the easy way out, and that I haven’t dealt with this pain the way I should’ve. It’s just too much, and I’ve tried really hard, but I need to go home. Home to John. I really appreciate everything that you’ve done for me. You’ve raised me, you’ve been not only a brother but in ways a father, and you’ve always been there when I’ve needed you. I’m sorry. I’m just so sorry that I can’t go on living without John. He’s not only the love of my life, he’s the love of my death. I love you Bro. No irony, no smoke and mirrors, and most of all no cool kid bullshit. I love you Bro. I love you for the older brother, and parental figure you were.

Then your name signed in blood.

You feel that it sums everything up. Sighing you fold it back up and place all the papers back where they were.

You look up at your dark computer monitor, and you realize how you’ve gone from sleeping normal, to sleeping too much, to sleeping not enough. You have dark bags underneath your eyes that you’re glad your shades cover. It’s still not enough though. You just haven’t been taking care of yourself and you can see how worried everyone’s getting about you.

The usual poker face you have up isn’t even really a poker face anymore. There’s just no emotion because you’re too drained to feel anything. It just seems like everything’s a fight; everything’s an uphill battle. It seems like you can’t win anything. You don’t want to do anything, you don’t have the energy to do anything. It just seems like everything sucks and like everything is just so dull.

You’ve noticed a pattern of this waiting. Waiting for things around you to keep moving and happening without you having to do anything. You guess you don’t really mind though, it’s alright.

For the next few hours you try to kill time with mixing beats, or playing games, or lightly banging your head against the wall out of boredom. When Bro finally gets back up he drives you over to John’s house. Mr. Egbert opens the door. Before you showed up you’d texted him with the codeword the two of you decided on. It let him know that you were coming, and that it was it.

Once more in your hoodie pockets you’re carrying the notes on you. You’re ready for this to happen.

“Bye Bro.” He nods.

“Bye lil’ man,” he ruffles your hair and then walks back to his truck. He drives away as you step into the house.

Mr. Egbert actually did have a box of things of John’s that he wasn’t sure what to do with. That’s where you two decide to start.

“Do you want his jacket?” You’re both crying as you take off yours and slip it on. It feels good and still smells like him. He always insisted on wearing Axe and right now you aren’t complaining too much. It leaves a good strong scent that reminds you of him.

“Thanks,” You’ve always loved his blue jacket and the way that it looked on him. With it’s swirly blue pattern which neither of you knew what it meant. It was okay though. No one else had one, so it was specially his.

“I bet he would’ve wanted you to have it,” You smile. The jacket makes you feel better.

That’s how the next hour goes. You talk and look through his things. Once you’re done, he hands you what you need and then you walk to the apartment. You check your phone and see a text from Bro. You decide to text him back saying that you’re still with Mr. Egbert going through things.

You open the front door and go check the whole apartment to make sure Bro really isn’t home. You know he’d stop you. You know you can’t let him. This is your body, this is your choice, this is your time to go.

You get the papers out from your jacket pocket and read over each of them carefully, and you decide that they’re all how you want them to be. You line them all up on the kitchen counter, and then go into the bathroom. It’ll make it easier to clean up.

You draw a bath with searing hot water and sink down into after stripping. You grab your phone which you had on the floor next to the tub, and text Bro.

TG: im at the apartment by myself i think you should come as soon as you can rather than wait for the police call youre going to get soon

Once it’s sent you know Bro’s on the way. You dial 911.

“Nine one one what’s your emergency?” The woman’s voice is calm and collected.

“My name’s Dave Strider I’m seventeen, and I’m going to kill myself. I just figured it’d be easier to call before my older brother found me.” You keep your voice flat.

“Where are you?” You can hear how her voice is tensed now. You give the address, and then hang up.

Picking up the gun, you just look at it for a second. It feels heavy in your hand. You’ve already made up your mind, but you just study the gun. It’s the first time you’ve ever held one. Mr. Egbert turned off the safety for you, and you start to hear sirens.

 

“I’m gonna be right there with you John,” you whisper. You take one final deep breath and hold the gun to your head. Your finger over the trigger, you slip down as far as you can into the water. You close your eyes, and pull the trigger.

  
The last thought to run through your mind, _I’m on my way John._


	11. An In Between

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright posting 11 and already writing 12 hopefully it isn't too much longer until I get to finish 12 too.

You wake up in a hospital bed. The white light in the room burns a little. You sit up and look around for your shades. You notice you’re wearing John’s hoodie, and a pair of Bro’s old sweat pants. When you don’t find your shades though, you get up out of the bed and walk into the bathroom. You need to take a piss. You don’t know why, but hey why question it? The after life is weird and new so who cares. Just go with the flow. After relieving yourself, you walk out into the hall.

It’s empty as far as you can tell. So you just walk down to the nurse’s station, looking into the rooms that you can as you pass. They’re all filled with strangers, but you just keep looking. Maybe just one of them will have John. A lot of the people are sleeping though.

When you get to the nurse’s station she freaks out a little and helps you back to your room. You look at the clock and see that it’s seven in the morning. A couple minutes later a doctor walks in.

“Well, it’s great to see that you’re awake! You gave everyone quite a scare you know. You’re older brother’s been here for every visiting opportunity possible. How are you feeling?” You just give her a blank stare. You aren’t dead. What the fuck happened then?

“Fine, just a little confused,” You admit hoping that she’ll fill you in.

“Well, after you texted your brother he called nine one one as well. He told them to go to not only your apartment but the house of someone else too. I’ve heard that it was too late for the other person, but it wasn’t too late for you. When the police got there, and got into the apartment, they tried to get you to come with them but when they grabbed you out of the tub you were thrashing so much that you slipped out of their hands and hit your head. It wasn’t too bad, you didn’t bleed, but it knocked you unconscious overnight.” So the gun didn’t fire. What the fuck’s going to happen to you?

“I can see it’s a little much for you to take in right now, but now that you’re awake we’re going to have to start getting some things running. We’re going to have to question you about some things, like why you did it.” You nod.

“We aren’t going to do that until we get Dirk here though.” You nod again keeping up a poker face. You know he’s going to have to be a little angry with you. You just know it. There isn’t a way he can’t be. You lied to him, and then you tried to kill yourself. He’s going to be upset with you, you know it.

“Just sit tight,” she smiles at you. You nod again, and lean back. This is going to suck so hard. You don’t even want to know what Bro’s going to say. Too bad for you though, because it’s less than five minutes later that he walks through the doorway into your room.

He doesn’t say anything, but he gets real close to you. He stands almost awkwardly for a second before leaning over and hugging you. You freeze. It’s not the reaction you expected.

“Thank god you’re okay.” You hug him back, and you sit like that for at least the next five minutes. He’s holding you to himself so tightly to the point you can feel your guilt levels rise. Guilt for doing this, guilt for not telling him that you wanted to do this, and guilt that even trying to do this you failed. Just like every strife you’ve ever had with him. You always get so close and then just when you think you’ve won, you’ve really failed.

He pulls away and looks you in the eye. You can see through his shades, and you can see that he hasn’t slept well, and how worried he is. Not even a lick of anger. This is just like when those kids beat the shit out of you. He wasn’t angry that you lost, he was worried about you going back to school with those kids.

“I’m sorry,” You mumble looking down. He tilts your chin up so you look him in the eye again.

“You don’t need to be sorry. You just need to feel better. We’re going to get you to feel better.”

The rest of your day you spend answering questions. It drives you up the fucking wall. They even make you talk to a social worker. Then they tell you that they’re going to send you to some place called North Key. The second you find out you’re going to be staying there for at least two or three weeks. You get pissed.

You’ll never admit fully to how much of a child you acted. You threw a huge hissy fit about it. You didn’t want to go. It got to the point where Bro had to hold you down for them to strap you down and they had to take you by ambulance.

Bro sat with you in the back the whole time, holding your hand. Once you got there and they unstrapped you, you didn’t put up a fight. You were too tired.

For the next hour you got checked into the place. Then Bro had to leave, and it was time for you to split ways and go upstairs. They showed you where everything you needed was. It’s about eleven, and it’s been such a long day for you.

The people there make you go shower, and give you a change of clothes to sleep in for the night. You know Bro’s going to come see you tomorrow, and you’ll ask him to bring you some clothes and hopefully sneak in if you aren’t aloud to have it the brand of Axe that John used. You know they just went and washed those clothes so they aren’t going to smell like him anymore.

They give you a small box with a crappy hair brush, a stick of deodorant, a travel size toothpaste, a toothbrush, a chapstick, and a travel size lotion. After you shower with the soaps they had in there, you go and sit in what you’re guessing is the lounge type area with some of the other boys. They’re all watching a movie and you’re so exhausted you fall asleep in there. The worker comes and wakes you up once the movie’s over and escorts you to your room.

Apparently you have a roommate. They’ve already gone to sleep, but it’s okay. You get into your bed and you just crash. The person who showed you to your room doesn’t say anything to you, they just let you sleep.

A different person comes and gets you up the next morning. Tuesday. It’s about seven thirty. You sit up and then look over at your roommate. You recognize them from the funeral. It’s the kid who handed you the tissue box, and who sat next to you in freshman algebra. You feel a little bad that you don’t remember their name.

He looks over at you and seems to be a little shocked.

“Hey Strider,” The voice jogs your memory. It _is_ a little different not hearing him yelling though.

“Hey Vantas. What’re you doing here?” A look passes over his face. One that you can’t quite place.

“I’ll tell you all about it at wind down.” You don’t know what that is, but you just nod a little and get up.

“So what are we supposed to do?”

“First we all change into our clothes for the day. They’re out in the hall on the blue bench. After that we do goal setting. Gwen will probably explain that to you, if you don’t already get it by the name. After that is breakfast, and then wind down, which is where we come back to our rooms for half an hour. From then on out the day varies.” You nod again, following him out into the hall to pick up your clothes. You head into one bathroom and he heads into the other. You quickly change, put on some deodorant, and splash a little water on your face. You decide that you’ll brush your teeth after breakfast, so you just swish some water around in your mouth.

You really wish you had your shades right now. You get out and go to that lounge area again and sit down next to Karkat on one of three two person couches. They aren’t the most comfortable things in the world but they’re pretty cool.

The other boys filter in and there’s only five of you.

“Okay, it’s time for goal setting. Could someone please go write it up there for us.” You stand up and go grab the expo marker. You add your name at the bottom and erase yesterday’s goals.

“Alright, Eridan what’s your goal for today,” You’re guessing the girl who’s running the show is Gwen.

“To w-work on communication.” He sounds so apathetic and hopeless douchebag. You can’t blame him. Someone shipped him off here too.

“That’s great, how do you plan to do that today?” You write up there work on communication, and then take a seat and listen to the conversation that ensues.

“Gonna try to get more to the root of my problems w-with the buoy I got in a fight w-with,” Eridan studies his nails like they’re the most interesting things in the world. Gwen moves on.

“So Tavros, what’s your goal today?” The small boy squeaks a little. You see he has two prosthetic legs.

“To, uh, work more on my, um, self confidence,” It seems like he’s so scared he can barely get out the words. You write it up there though and then sit back down.

“That’s great Tavros. It seems like you’re already working on it by speaking in front of everyone,” He nods a little.

“So what about you Gamzee, what’s your goal for today?” She keeps a smile trying to pretend this place isn’t a hell for you guys.

“To try to control my anger,” You see him gripping his crossed arms rather tightly. You make a mental note not to fuck with him. You write up what he says like you have the others.

“Well, I think that’s certainly a great place to start. Do you have any ways in specific in mind?”

"No, just going to try to in general tone down and control my anger a bit better.” There’s a bite to his voice that makes Gwen look a little scared so she moves on to Karkat.

“To look deeper into how the accident affected me,” You write that up there.

“It’s very hard when you’re consumed with guilt like this. It’s great that this is only your second day, and you’re already moving to take big strides and answer the big underlying questions of your depression. Do you have a plan?” He nods, but doesn’t say. You have his written up there too now.

“So Dave, I hear you came in a little late last night. I think for today, we should just leave your goal as learning the program. However, after wind down I think we should all talk and do some introductions with who else is here with you. Also, my name’s Gwen. I’ll be here on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday.” You nod and write up there learn the program.

“Well, let’s go on down to breakfast everyone,” She stands up and you fall in line behind Karkat. Then they take you all down a stairway that they have to unlock a door for you all to be able to get to.

Nothing spectacular happens at breakfast. Not even really any conversation. You all go back upstairs and back to your rooms for wind down. When you get there you and Karkat sit on the floor and talk like girls at a sleep over. It’s pretty chill.

Until you get on the topic of why he’s here again.

“Well Dave, look, it was a total accident. I didn’t mean to do it, I was trying to apply the break but it wasn’t fast enough. I just can’t believe no one’s told you yet. But I mean, kids have just been calling me a murderer and they’re kinda right. I’ve just felt so awful that I’ve been trying to kill myself.” The second you realized he was talking about John’s accident, your heart stopped.

Part of you says to beat the shit out of him. Then you reason with yourself that it was just an accident and being responsible for it had driven him to attempt suicide. He’s been beating himself up over it and there may have even been kids that have literally beaten him up over it.

“Thank you,”you take a small pause and a breath, “Thank you, for telling me. I’m upset that it happened, but not with you. It was an accident. Just an accident,” You still want to take all your anger and pain out on him, but you just can’t. Not now, realizing everything.

He looks relieved, and doesn’t seem as tense anymore.

You quickly get off that subject and he ends up talking about some of the crazy friends he has. It’s not surprising to hear that his mom isn’t in the picture and his dad’s kinda crabby all the time. His home life doesn’t sound too bad, but it’s not too ideal either. This is coming from you though, who was raised by Bro.

By the time wind down ends you find out that Karkat isn’t too bad of a guy. He’s actually pretty cool.

You’re all back in the lounge area when you get told that you have a visitor. You silently pray that it’s Bro with your clothes and smuggled Axe and your hair brush. You like John’s hoodie and Bro’s sweat pants as much as the next guy, but you really miss your own clothes.

One of workers from the little kid’s unit takes you downstairs and into one of the visiting rooms and then leaves you and Bro alone. He has a small bag filled with your things and you’re so happy to see him.


	12. A Special Kind of Hell

“Hey,” You offer not really knowing what to say. This isn’t really an ideal thing for you to be doing. As much as you enjoy seeing him, you don’t really want to be here. This entire ordeal is awkward, and you know that he’s blaming himself for it. You know he just has to be, and it looks like he really hasn’t slept well and it’s all because of you.

“Brought you your clothes. I mean you heard what they said you’re going to be staying here a few weeks,” You nod a little, silently hoping that he has your shades in that bag. You think he can read your mind.

“They aren’t in there. They won’t let you wear them, and even if you had them they’d just take them away. It was the first thing I asked,” You frown a little and part of you wants to throw another hissy fit about it. You know better though. You aren’t going to let this place break you.

Though you see an out.

“What about the funeral?” Something about Bro changes when you ask it.

“It’s going to be small. You’re going to be taken out of here for the time that it happens and then you’re going back. As much as I know you want to, you aren’t getting out of this.”

“I know,” you look down and pretend to feel defeated. You do in some ways, but you know that’s exactly what they need to see happen first. That you feel defeated so you let them in, and you let this all happen. So you’ll let them pick you apart like a science project, and be able to make you “better”. There isn’t anything wrong with you though. Nothing’s wrong with you besides the fact that you lost John.

“Hey it’s only a few weeks. Right now it sucks, but once it’s all over you’ll be happy you came.” Part of you wants to rub in his face that you’re in a room with Karkat to see if he’d do anything about it. However you’re more curious about something else…

“Can I know now? It’s not like I’ll be able to do anything, so can I know who did it now?” Bro tenses.

“In a few days.” He still doesn’t think you’re stable enough. You feel a little betrayed that this is happening at all. It’s your body and your life so he shouldn’t be aloud to tell what you can and can’t do. If you want to kill yourself he should just let you.

“Alright,” You say like you understand why and you’re okay with it.

“I also brought you your hair brush and I thought you might like this,” He pulls out a bottle of the kind of axe that John used and you don’t think you’ve ever been happier to have Bro as your older brother.

“How’d you know what kind it was?” He smiles a little.

“I talked with Jade. She actually just gave me the bottle that he was using,” You stop and take a second to think about his words.

“They’re fine. They freaked out a little at first, but then once the understood everything they calmed down. They’re on the list of people who are allowed to come and visit you.”

“Okay,” Bro can tell how uncomfortable you are right now.

“Well, I guess I’ll let you get back to whatever you were doing before,” You both stand up and you’re a little happy that you don’t have to talk to him any longer. You love Bro, but it’s just too awkward to talk to him now.

You hug, and you’ll admit it’s a little longer than you normally do and that you enjoyed it. You both head out to the desk and Bro stays until the person comes and gets you. You wave goodbye and then you follow them back up the stairs. Once you’re up there they take the bag from you. They give you your hair brush to put into the small box of toiletries you got. You hid the axe in your hoodie and then went to your room and hid it in one of the drawers you get for clothes.

Gwen’s sweet, but it’s not very helpful to be sweet to people who are forced to be somewhere.

“So who wants to go first? Just your name and why you’re here.” When no one answers she goes down the list in alphabetical order.

“Eridan, please go first.” He rolls his eyes and you notice that he’s wearing a cape. Like fucking seriously, a cape? Does he think he’s a wizard or something?

“My name’s Eridan Ampora and I’m here because I got into a fight w-with another buoy at school, and it became a matter of making threats to krill each other,” He adjusts a little looking displeased that he had to speak.

“Gamzee, you’re next.” You get a closer look at him and you see scars going across his face.

“My name’s Gamzee Makara and I’m here because of pot and me and my motherfuckin’ ex got into a fight. She’s here too in the girls’ unit. Bitch stabbed me, an-”

“Don’t talk about Terezi like that! You’re the one that made the relationship abusive in the first place. Not to mention you were the one that got both of you in trouble for drugs,” Karkat got awful defensive and loud awful quickly. When Gamzee stands that’s when you see Gwen panic a little. Though he just walks out and probably back to his room.

“Fuckass,” you hear Karkat say under his breath. Tavros looks like he’s shaking a little and you feel bad for the little guy. He’s seems so frail.

“Tavros would you please like to go next?” He nods his head a little.

Speaking sheepishly he says, “I’m Tavros Nitram and I’m here because of my low self esteem and, uh, because of it and bullying I’ve been, um, cutting myself,” This is a kid that you can feel sorry for. He probably got made fun of for his legs. You feel really bad for him.

“Good job working on your goal Tavros,” Gwen tells him.

“Dave,” she looks at you expectantly.

“I’m Dave Strider, and I’m here because I tried to kill myself after my boyfriend died in an accident.” She looks a little uncomfortable now.

“Well, it’s very brave of you that you’re willing to openly talk about being in a homosexual relationship,” Oh god one of those types of people.

“Karkat, please go.”

“I’m Karkat Vantas and I’m here because I tried to commit suicide after hitting and killing one of my classmates,” Gwen stands and smiles.

“Here’s the remote to the TV. You can change it to any channel but the ones on the list right there,” You look over at it and there’s only MTV on it. It makes sense but did they really have to put a list like you’d forget or something?

Gwen leaves and you all sit in silence watching the channel she left on. In the corner of the room you see a big roll of paper along with some markers crayons and coloured pencils. Close by to that is a book shelf. The walls of this room are covered in pages from other boys saying that North Key helped them, and how happy that they are since the came.

You can see the fucking lies in each and every one of them. It makes you a little sick.

Not too long after she stands up, someone else you remember seeing in the main office when you first checked in here  sits down. She just sits there quietly and you stand up and get some paper to draw. You bring over the tub of markers too.

All you can think of is John so you just draw everything you can that reminds you of him. The pattern on the front of his jacket, the stuffed salamander he named casey, the shades he got you and his eyes. Just random things about him. Before you know it you hear words that you were really hoping you weren’t going to.

“Come on we’re going to school,” You didn’t notice that Gwen had sat back down there.

You haven’t seen anything of Gamzee since he walked out. You kinda wonder where he went.

You don’t bother to ask though. Actually come to think of it you hadn’t even noticed that Tavros wasn’t here anymore. You just keep your head down and try not to make noise. You’re just really glad that no one’s said anything to you about your eyes. Part of you hopes that they haven’t noticed.

_Of course they’ve noticed. They’ve all noticed and the second you get back to school Karkat’s gonna tell everyone about your mutant disgusting demon eyes. Then kids will take your shades and break them. Then you’ll have even less to remember John by. I mean let’s be real, Bro isn’t going to leave you alone long enough to ever come close to doing it again. Though do you still have the strength too after seeing what it does to him when you just came close? Imagine what it’d be like then if you actually did it, he’d just blame himself even more. Not like you’d be able to do it the second chance you got either. All you ever do is fail David. All you’re ever going to do is fail._

You bite your tongue. This voice in the back of your mind has been there more and more lately. Telling you things like this, and you just hate it. You hate all of it. You hate being here and you hate being alive. For every second you’re in here you hate yourself and just everything even more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just similar to the way things went when I was in a place like this, other places may be different.


	13. Picking at My Head

You follow them to the staircase that they showed you all to breakfast before. This time you go upstairs though and it takes you to a floor that has three rooms that look like classrooms. However, on the other side of the hall are rooms that look like they’re for therapy. Just a couple chairs and a table. All of them very simple rooms.

Almost as soon as you sit down, you get called out by some lady. She takes you into one of those rooms and tells you her name’s Monique. She tells you some about her childhood and how it was pretty easy but that she had a friend who didn’t have a good childhood and they were depressed and killed themselves. That’s what made her want to do this. Then she tells you about how this is part of her college course so she can have this as a full time job. She’s actually not too much older than you are, probably a senior in college. Kinda cute too. Compared to the people that you talked to checking in she’s much easier to talk to. She gets it, and since she’s closer in age she gets how you talk.

“So I have your file, but I want to hear in your words about why you’re here. I wanna know your perspective about everything that’s been going on. I know you’re forced to be here, and you don’t like it. However, it’s just a place to start to be able to understand how we can help,” You nod and she puts down her papers and pen.

“Well, I’m not trying to be difficult, but I don’t really see the point of talking about why I’m here when you already have a form saying why,” She smiles and nods.

“Trust me, I know it’s a stupid question,” She flicks through her papers and pulls one out for you to see, “But this is all I have about why you’re here.” You look over it and it just says that you tried to kill yourself and were taken to the hospital. It gives you a little reassurance that she’s not too bad and maybe you can really talk to her. You slide it back to her and she puts it back into her folder. She then sits it to the side again.

“So you only have the obvious, but you don’t have the actual why? That seems stupid,” She nods in agreeance.

“It is. At some point someone was told, but they didn’t give me crap. So it’s a legitimate question. Why’d you try to do it? I mean, was it something goin’ on at home, or something that happened when you were a little kid that’s just stuck with you? Was it a recent accident, or is their bullying going on at school? I mean I’m just throwing out the usual ones that are seen, it could be something else too,” She’s actually interested.

“On April twelfth, my boyfriend got hit by a car and was killed,” You look out the window to your right. You really don’t want to cry, but you feel like you might. You can picture his mangled body. You even know what he was wearing that day. His green jacket, his black shirt, and a pair of jeans. He hadn’t worn his green jacket in such a long time so he decided to wear it. Part of you is glad that he did so you have the one you’re wearing now. You haven’t sprayed axe on it yet but you’re going to.

“That’s rough. I don’t know what I’d do if that happened to my girlfriend,” Okay, maybe you can cry in front of her. She seems pretty chill. Like she can really put herself into your shoes. The word girlfriend also lets you know she’s not going to freak out because you date boys. You're tired of that shit.

“Yeah, it  _has_ been really rough,” You feel the tears start to well up. You think about just everything you ever did together, and the fact that it’s all been laid to waste because of that one accident.

“So, I know this is going to be really hard for you to talk about. I don’t expect you to tell me everything today, and I feel that we’ve already made some pretty good headway. Though, if you want to keep talking about it, that’s your choice. I’m not gonna push, I know grief is hard,” She’s genuinely sympathetic.

“Where would I start?” She seems a little surprised that you want to keep going. You know this is all going to go down on record, but you don’t care right now. You need to talk to someone completely removed from the situation.

“Well, they tell us to try to poke and prod you guys in situations like this for just how emotionally attached you were to them. So, how long had you been dating for, and how’d you start dating?” You close your eyes and take a breath, trying to keep your cool.

“We started dating about five years ago, and I’m even surprised that what started out as a middle school relationship lasted this long. How we started dating, is actually a sweet story,” She smiles and contently listens.

For the next little while you talk and explain about you and John, and what it meant to you. She does hit on the topic of Bro and how he raised you. Why you normally wear shades and feel like you have to hide who you are. You know you’re being analyzed but in a way you like it. It’s different than when Rose does it. Rose just pries _too_ much.

Well by the time you’re done, you aren’t crying. It felt really nice too. You kinda wish you would’ve let Bro take you to the grief counselor. It would’ve probably avoided you being here in the first place. You still would’ve tried killed yourself because you _are_ going to get to go home to John.

You don’t care how nice it feels to talk about your feelings, it didn’t make you miss John any less. You don’t think anything they do will be able to change how you feel right now. However, when she stands up and gathers her things, you follow her and make polite conversation with her while she takes you back to unit. You let her hear the things that she wants to hear, so she feels that she did good.

When you get back up to the room with the other boys, Tavros is back, but Eridan’s gone. Gamzee’s back though, sitting in the corner seat of the room. You don’t want to know where he’s been this whole time. You’re a little scared to know. Honestly you don’t want to know what the punishment here would be like.

Karkat’s at the table right now, he’s drawing like you were earlier. You get a closer look at it, and you see an interesting thing. It’s not a drawing at all. He’s writing. It looks a little like a journal, and you have to deny your urge to read over his shoulder. Sitting down close to him, you give him a nod and finish colouring what you were working on earlier.

Soon you hope it’ll be time for lunch. You feel like you’re starving, but you don’t see the point in complaining when you know that they’ll only feed you on schedule. A lady that you saw in the kitchen walks in and asks for you. You both walk out into the hall and sit on the blue bench. Surprisingly it’s comfortable.

This woman asks you things like what you like and don’t like to eat. She asks you whether or not you eat three meals a day, and if you snack throughout the day. She also asks whether or not you’ve ever made yourself throw up. These are stupid ass questions, but you answer all of them. Once you guys are done, then you get to go back to sitting with Karkat.

“You hate this place yet?” You look up at him and he's smiling a little.

“Yeah,” he looks a little indecisive.

“I’ve been wondering something.” You nod again.

“Is that your natural eye colour?” You tense a little.

“Yeah, there’s a reason I wear the shades.” You just made him feel really awkward and you know it. Everyone goes back to silence, and you get up and get more paper.  You have to try to figure out what’s going on in your head.

You just wish it would be easier to get out of here. Not just to get out of here, but get out of your head.


	14. No Breath Left to Breathe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow, it's been too long since I've updated! I know this isn't a very long chapter and probably isn't what you guys were expecting in length at all, and I'm so sorry about that. I was planning on posting 14 and 15 together to make up for how short 14 is, but because 15 is taking so long for me to write I'm deciding to go ahead and post 14. Like I said it's a super short chapter and I'm sorry this is all I have to give you guys right now, but I'd like to give you something for being patient and waiting and for all the nice things that have been said. Also one last thing that's super important!!!! This chapter is from JOHN'S POINT OF VIEW! I'd like that to be clear to even the people who aren't reading this long note. So with no more delay, have chapter 14! :3

Like a deer in the headlights, you don’t move. You can’t move as you see the headlights getting closer. You see Bec make it across the road safely as you become dimly aware of the car crashing into your side, then neck. You hear Jade scream as you hit the ground. Out of the corner of your eye you can see her hitting the person you guess is the driver.

 You can’t move, and you can barely breathe. You’re forcing the air in and out of your lungs. It hurts to, but you know you have to. You begin to see blood, and then Jade running up next to you. She kneels down next to you crying and hysterical. She bends over and hugs you the best she can without moving you. You understand why.

  _What if this is it?_

 "Hey Jade,” You hear your voice but don’t feel yourself form the words; it’s but a small whisper.

 She moves back a little and nods. You see that a little bit of her shirt has blood on it now, but you try your best to ignore it. She’s still crying, and you always hated seeing your cousin cry. With the best smile you can manage you tell her what you want her to do for you.

 “Don’t talk like that! You’re going to be fine!” It scares you to see her looking so helpless. She reaches into your jacket pocket anyway and pulls out the PDA. She types out what you told her to and you do your best to keep your eyes open as you hear the whine of sirens approaching.

 “John stay with me! Ya gotta stay with me!” She’s sobbing out her words and you’re barely able to breathe. You know this is an uphill battle that you aren’t going to win.

 Closing your eyes, Jade cries louder. You whisper consoling nothings to her, so she knows you’re still alive. The sirens are really loud now, and you feel yourself being lifted then laid down. You’re faintly aware of the ambulance moving, when you picture Dave’s smiling face, and gleaming red irises. You want to hold on, but you can’t. You just hope he gets the messages.

 You exhale one last time before you feel yourself slip away. It’s a peaceful feeling, so you let it wash over you. There’s only one thing on your mind.

  _Will everyone be okay?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'd like to remind you all that chapter 15 is going to be average chapter length, 14 just happened to be this short.


	15. Maybe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, brotherly feels. I cried while writing this, but I'm gonna pretend I didn't.

Bro comes to pick you up early in the morning. It’s Saturday...you think… You haven’t been able to keep track of time in here, you’ve just let them herd you like a mindless cow. You feel like coming here created more problems than it fixed.

Bro’s being over attentive and awkward now, on top of trying to pretend that nothing’s going to change about how he treats you and about how much freedom you had before. You know it’s a load of crap too because he said himself, “I love you lil’ man, and I don’t want anything to happen to you,” in one of the “family conferences”.

Jade, well last you heard, she’s in the girls’ unit. You aren’t surprised. She saw her cousin die, one of her friends _attempted_  suicide, and her uncle actually _committed_  suicide. She’s been through a lot, and no matter how strong she is, you knew she wasn’t going to be far behind you once you walked into NorthKey.  
Rose came and visited you. It was awkward to be so willing to cry with her. That literally was the whole visit you had with her. You made small talk, then talked about John some, then cried for the next hour with each other. Okay, so that’s not a problem.

Another thing that isn’t a problem is Karkat. No matter how upset you were with him, no matter how angry you got at him for being the one driving, you never really lashed out at him. He’s having just as many problems as you dealing with John’s death. For different reasons, but still having problems dealing with it. He was pretty chill to talk to during wind down, and he got out before you.

Back to your current situation.

You just got checked out of NorthKey and you and Bro are sitting in awkward silence at a red light. Neither of you know what to do or what to say. The people there didn’t really prepare you that much for what you’re supposed to do. They had family conferences which was you and Bro in the same room with a social worker to talk to and talk _through_ , but no one prepared you for having to go back to normal life.

Well, “normal” life.

It’s never going to be the way it was ever again, and at this point you feel so defeated that you don’t even care. Supposedly, the anti-depressants will kick in soon and help lift your spirits. Right now though, you really just feel completely defeated. You wanna give up, and you really don’t feel safe to be out of that place. You’re pretty sure that you’re never going to get the chance to hurt yourself or even get close to it again, but damn if you aren’t thinking about it.

“Dave, we can’t do this,” Bro’s sullen words snap you out of your thoughts.

“What do you mean? Do what?” You didn’t mean to sound so snappish, but you aren’t in the best of moods right now having to get up much earlier than you have for the past few weeks. 8:00 a.m. was like sleeping in compared to school. However 5:00 a.m. ain’t cool. You _don’t_  do early.

“We can’t sit here in silence like this,” He has a point that he’s trying to make, and you know what is. On a scale of 1 to 10 though, 1 being you don’t care at all and 10 being it’s the most interesting thing in the world. You’re at -35 on this topic.

“Then turn on the radio if you don’t want it to be silent.” You see him grip the steering wheel tighter. Instantly you want to apologize, but seconds later you inwardly smirk. You kind of enjoy giving him this hard time.

“You know exactly what I mean. I’m not playing games.” You hate how serious he sounds.

“Do you want me to talk to you about what I’m feeling right now? Would that make you feel better? Would it?”  
You see him clench his jaw, and you almost wish he’d reach over and hit you. Call you a little butt muncher, tell you that you’re acting like a child.

“Sure, because I wanna know what crawled up your ass and died this morning,” You’re starting to see Bro again, and it’s comforting in it’s own weird way. At the same time, you can play this game his way.

“Really? Okay! You wanna know what’s bothering me? The fact that you haven’t been acting like yourself! At first it was comforting that you cleared out all the swords, and that you took care of me like I was a little kid again. Now though, I’m tired of it. I want _Bro_  back. I want the Bro who would take me up on the roof and kick my ass. I want the Bro that when I was acting like this and giving him a hard time would reach over and hit me and tell me that I’m acting like an asshole. I want the Bro that when I was crying because I fell and scraped my knee helped me up, cleaned it up for me, but told me to man the fuck up. Where’s that Bro? I’d love to talk to _him_  again!” You had raised your voice, and you could end there though you aren’t done yet. He’s still not him yet, but you can tell that you’re close to breaking him.

“This isn’t all about you though. It’s also about everyone else too. I’ve felt like this whole time I’ve had people breathing down my neck, like if I make one wrong move it’s off to the looney house. Oh wait! I was already there! I don’t want to be on medication, and I don’t want to feel like I’m crazy just because I’m grieving!” You feel like you’re going to start crying any second now, and about now it would feel good. Bro pulls into a parking lot and stops. He sighs as he turns off the truck.

“Well, where do you want to start? With me, or with your problems with everyone else? ‘Cause now we’re having this conversation.” He seems just as overwhelmed as you. It makes you feel better.

“I can deal with everyone else later. I just want you to be _you_  again. I miss my big brother…” You feel the tears well up behind your shades. You aren’t angry with him anymore, you just want him to act like him again.

“I miss my _little_  brother, because he hasn’t been acting like himself either. Listen, that’s all I’m asking you to do right now is to listen. Dave, I love you. I really care about you and I would give anything for you to be happy again. I really would. As long as it’s not your life, or…” He reaches out and grabs your arm and rolls up your sleeve to show the 4 or 5 scars you made.

You retract your arm and roll your sleeve back down. You were really hoping that no one would find those or tell Bro. You don’t want him to worry about you anymore that he already is.

“Just cause you hide them doesn’t mean that they aren’t there,” At those words you feel the first of your tears run down your face. He unbuckles his seat belt and leans over and hugs you; you lean into him and cry. You feel like this is what you’ve really needed all along, to just let someone in.

You want to just sit here like this for a while, but you know you can’t. The reason you got out so early today was because you have a therapist you’re going to get to go see. You aren’t looking forward to it, but it’s mandatory.

You aren’t sure how long you sat there in Bro’s arms like that, but eventually you stop crying. You take a deep breath and nod. He lets go of you and you can see past the darkness of each others shades this close. There’s something silent that’s passed between you two. Something that only brothers can feel and understand. Then, almost as if it were planned, you both smile.

Maybe everything can be okay…

Bro puts his seat belt back on and starts the truck up again. You sink down into your seat with a warm feeling in your chest. Times like these make you feel better. You had times like those with John, except you were in Bro’s position.

John’s name in your mind pours salt into the still open and bleeding wound. Right now, it’s okay though. Nothing can negate the feeling of being wanted in this world; of you knowing that at least one person will always care about you no matter what you do and what happens. You look out the window next to you, and you smile as you feel the tears stream down your face.

It’s silent again, but now it’s okay. It’s okay, because now it’s a comfortable silence of trust and brotherly love. You feel like everything might just turn around. It’s going to be hard, but maybe you can do it.

_Or maybe you can’t. Maybe this is the last time you’ll ever feel happy._

That overactive nagging voice of doubt in the back your mind says. You smile a little wider, because if this is the last time you ever feel happy you’re going to just soak it in. You’re going to make it last as long as you can.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so here's the final chapter.

It's Saturday, April 12. One year ago today John Egbert passed on his way to the hospital. Have you come to terms with that? Yes. Have Karkat, Jade, and Rose? Yes. Have all the other kids at school? Yes.

Are the kids at school okay? Yes, they don't talk about it anymore. They all seem to have forgotten about the pain it caused. Are Jade and Rose okay? For the most part they are. It took a few months longer than other people, but they're doing pretty good now. Is Karkat okay? It's been over a year and he still has nightmares about it. He doesn't show it during the day, but you guys became really close. He needed someone to feel safe to talk to. Jade still hasn't totally forgiven him for what happened. Rose has been more understanding about it.

Are _you_  okay? It depends. You still feel pretty fucking down most of the time. You still from time to time have the thought in the back of your mind of: "now's your chance, just grab the knife and you can go home to him." You still cry in the shower, and you still sometimes need that extra long hug from Bro. Besides those things though, yeah you're doing pretty good.

It's around three when there's a knock on the door. You hear Bro shuffle out of his room and move into the kitchen. He's been awake on and off throughout the day. He had a DJ gig last night and he was out pretty late. There's another knock and you roll your eyes and get up. You're wearing an undershirt and basketball shorts when you open the door.

"Hey Dave..." Jade says sighing.

"What's up Harley?" maybe, just maybe it's not about him.

"Grandpa's driving and Rose is already in the car. I tried calling you, but you didn't pick up. We're going to go visit them," you hadn't heard Bro come up behind you, so you jump at the hand on your shoulder.

"You guys go ahead. I think he's gonna need a bit more time to get ready. I'll drive him. If any of you need anything, call my phone," she nods in response to what Bro says.

Directed at you rather than him she says, "Okay, I'll talk to you soon." She steps towards you and wraps her arm around you in a tight hug. You hug her back and shortly after she steps back and waves slightly. Bro shuts the door as she starts to walk away.

"Do you want to go?" You nod and take a deep breath.

"Go get dressed lil' man," he ruffles your hair and goes to his room. You sigh as you walk into your room. After getting dressed and brushing your hair, you leave with Bro. You brought some tissues in your pocket because you know you’re going to be crying. This is going to be rough.

Bro makes a stop at a flower shop and you get daylilies with the name ‘A Blessed Life’. Something about them just make you think of them. You get to the cemetery and you already start to feel the tears well up in your eyes. You see Rose, Jade, and her grandpa walking back to their car. You all look at each other for a moment before they get into their car, and you and Bro keep walking towards the headstones.

As you stand in front of them, your hands shake. Bending down, you place half the flowers in front of Mr. Egbert’s headstone and the other half in front of John’s. You feel the tears stream down your face as Bro places a hand on your shoulder.

****

“Dad, you’re crying,” you smile as you take off your shades to wipe your eyes.

“Well, it’s not my fault that you chose me as the person for your project. A stupid project at that. I never had to do a life project story on somebody. Now will you let me finish this part of the story?” She nods and you take a deep breath.

“So Bro put his hand on my shoulder and I just sat there and cried for a while. It made me feel better. I quietly whispered the words I love you and then stood back up. Bro and I turned and left. The rest of that day I was fairly mopy. When I went to bed that night though, I heard that small whisper. Part of me still thinks that it was Bro, flash stepping around my room trying to make me feel better. Another part of me though, thinks that when I left my window open John’s voice got carried in from the wind with the words I love you too.” You stand up and stretch. You’re middle aged, and getting too old for this shit.

“I think that we should stop there for now. Though can you answer me two things?”

“What?”

“What the hell is the point of this project?”

“I don’t know.” You nod and grab your shades

“That’s great. Nice to know the school is doing it’s job. Anyway why didn’t you ask your uncle? He’s got more story to tell,” She makes this weirded out face.

“It’s because he has creepy puppets in his house. I love him, and I love seeing him. I just don’t like going to his house,” You can’t help but to laugh.

“Alright, now skedaddle. You’ve been itchin’ to move for the past while now,” Casey stands up and hugs you. You hug her back and even if she is adopted, she’ll always be your daughter.

“I love you dad.”

“I love you too sweetie.” She goes back into her room and you hope finishes her homework for the night. You retreat back to your room and pull a shoebox out of your closet. It’s filled with old photographs among a few other small keepsakes. You sit down on your bed, and pull out the aviators. You set them aside lovingly, then pick up the photograph under them. You sigh.

“Oh John, you lovable derp.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have a few things that I want to say.  
> First here's what those daylillies look like: http://www.daylilies.org/DaylilyDB/detail.php?id=171728&name=A%20Blessed%20Life  
> Second, if you've read some of the comments I've been working on some completely optional stuff that goes along with this fic. Things I've skipped over or things that people have asked me to elaborate more on is what's included in that. So if you're interested in that here's a link to it: http://archiveofourown.org/works/1906647/chapters/4112202  
> I'd also like to thank you guys for sticking around or if you found this fic after it was completed for reading. I appreciate all the kudos and comments. Really just thank you guys!~ <3


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